The Closet Polygamist

The Closet Polygamist

Yesterday, I was booted from Facebook for bullying. It turns out you can’t hold someone accountable for their behavior even if they use a pseudonym. I have decided if I can’t speak my mind on polygamy, my time on that platform is done. She calls herself L’Auren. She’s much too unaccountable to use her own name. She reported me for posting this painting she sent me and for writing what I knew about it. This painting is her on my desk where I livestream every day. She sent it to me a few nights ago before climbing into bed with another man. She is a closet polygamist. I keep trying to make it expensive for her to talk to me behind her lover’s back but she can’t seem to feel the burn. L’Auren has been playing me and Andy in a love triangle since April. I have told her repeatedly how disrespectful it is for her to keep reaching out to me behind his back but it hasn’t been expensive enough for her to stop doing it. She is addicted to the electricity of lying to both of us. It gives her safe distance from the man who owns her bed. A man who I despise for abandoning our friendship to win her from me. For you see, I loved L’Auren and she chose him over me. I continue to accept that loss as best as I can. It would be easier to swallow if she would stop telling me how much she loves me and dislikes him. There is never a dull moment in this apocalypse. This is the vitriol they speak about in scrolls. I keep believing it’s true because she keeps saying it to me. She wraps my hands around her body to add distance between her and him. She watches me squirm on my livestream after dangling grapes about coming back to me. I keep lying to myself because I am addicted to the electricity of being redeemed.

She painted me this email in August. It dilated my whole body to believe she would come back to me.

L’Auren is something I have struggled with all summer. But she is gone now. This post burns any lingering affections we could have for each other on the public stake. I recruit your witness to hold me to this as you read. She has always wanted me to eviscerate her so she could feel something. She never liked me as much as she liked the passion I could secrete. I am sweat, tears, and cum and she tasted my salt to feel alive again. I am her surrogate adrenals. Our attraction forged a boundary she could rest behind to be with Andy. She is an artist who paints in polygamy. She sends me trinkets from the times she lied and before the times I knew. Those were nights both of us could pretend she was real. When I was tranquilized by her lies by omission. My addiction survived every cruelty she’s inflicted on my self-esteem. And me, up late, evaporating blood crystals over a keyboard as she sleeps in his arms and texts me in the morning about how she dreamed about me. A bad woman cuts with a rusty knife. A good one keeps her blade clean.

I played the victim to abandon my power and show myself an old wound.

Polygamy is a sign of disassociation. It’s an addiction to the electricity of triangles. If you are a closet polygamist, I don’t want you tainting my witness. Disrespecting your partner every day by working a triangle in the background is wrong. As much as I dislike Andy, no one deserves to be treated like this. Not him. Not me. I have thrown every magic I know at this triangle to break it. I gave up winning her back months ago knowing she would never leave. I blocked her account and she called me under an alias to send me messages while he sleeps. She wants to meet naked in the woods while she tells him she visits her mom. I keep saying no when I want to say yes as she keeps raising the stakes. While Andy is squirming to keep her, I am squirming to forget her face. I have shared every comment from L’Auren with him. I have told him everything she says about him or me. I have been doing this all summer and he never replies or tells her what he knows. He doesn’t mind the triangle. He doesn’t mind her infidelity. She is a trophy in his home and she enjoys being a commodity. Only Andy knows how to keep her because Andy shares the same kind of emptiness. He knows apathy is the only thing keeping her next to him in his bed. He is just as much of a prisoner to this addiction as I am.

In September she tells me he is threatening her safety. In October she sends me prophetic gematria insisting we were fate.

I am here to make lying about polygamy expensive. There is no such thing as a healthy love triangle. I wish them both the future they deserve. I can only imagine how dull it will be without someone like me in the picture. On Tuesday, my Facebook restrictions are lifted. I will post the same post that got me in trouble the last time. L’Auren can claim the truth is a bully all over again. I will go down on this hill knowing I stood for the right thing. No one profits from polygamy. You can find L’Auren on YouTube. She is a public figure who likes to put herself out there as a fighter for truth. She enjoys the audience until it’s about her. Then, she uses the very system she claims to be fighting to censor me. But the truth is for all of us. Not just those who profit from its encryption.

If you think I am ashamed of this, I am. My weakness for a woman’s venom is a vitriol that keeps paying. It’s mixed with jealousy for Andy and a longing for L’Auren as both of them reject me. But I was the one who brought them together and gave them this electricity. If they truly loved each other they would be thanking me for the donation. I can feel it now taxing my gut as I spend another day on its alchemy. My heart carries a deep addiction for a woman’s belief in my redemption.

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Penelope
6 days ago

SUN22NOV20
Greetings commenters.
Hi James. We chatted once. A while ago. You’d just cut your finger. I don’t have the personal ram[IT] to keep up with evolving, group syntax even though I value linguistic development to ever broaden thought potentiality in these headlong times. I can’t stay any distance with the quantum, prolific output, but I do pop by because such time is always redeemed by a connection with Intelligence.
1. “can’t hold someone accountable for their behaviour”? It appears to have become a virtue to NOT hold oneself accountable for one’s own behaviour. Subtly, furtively, society seems to have arrived at the fullstop dictate that any mention of wrong doing is verboten as if the addressing of bad behaviour IS the wrong doing. There cannot be ‘relationship’ if these are the terms under which relating must operate. Instead the experience is merely a perpetual swing effect from paralytic walking on egg shells in secret to the inevitable pressure bursts of conflict and back again. Aaaaarrrrraaaaagh!!!! Nope. Uh-uh.
2. I’m a fanatical ‘family’ activist, 30 years. Yeah. We need to try and keep this going. But. Um. This Granny speaks. The success of such is now dependent upon how harsh the incumbents can be upon themselves, firstly, in facing the Utter Realities of the undertaking. Sentiment requires strict tempering. FULL WAKE UP is vital to the mission. Inadvisable otherwise. Seriously.
3. Thanks for the term, “serial polygamy”. Quite an archontification of infidelity. I see now that adultery is quite outmoded and very old fashioned.
F*** pornographers.
My personal remedy? Learning Russian at 61. For fun.
Здоровье! (good health)

Babette
Babette
14 days ago

You are whole, the other are not. Be happy and relish that. Good riddance bains for the soul!

Rebecca C
Rebecca C
15 days ago

We’ve never spoken. I just watch all your videos. I just want to say that I believe you’ll make it through this and get a good woman who is virtuous and lovely and then you will be able to have those babies. Save yourself for it! Godspeed!

Mishelle Shepard
15 days ago

You are an exceptionally daring, provocative, compelling man. I suppose it could be projection, and certainly I don’t doubt you’ve considered every angle, but could it be she is baffled by you, in spite of herself? I have known my heart to act where my head says yield, and this can be so very confusing, especially for a woman who knows herself as relatively ‘together’. I want to honor your ideal for a family, therefor an ‘ideal’ mother, but you are a bit of a bull in a china shop, no? You ‘trigger’ by intent and design and you do it very well, stumped me up on more than one occasion, to the point you make me think (no, not regret ‘poor’ spontaneous emotional reaction, not at all) and in ‘plow mode’ where I think a lot of the ‘divine feminine’ is mistakenly stuck at the moment, you both might be stuck in a ‘mobius loop’ where you are circling each other in a way, without being able to truly attach at this time?? What would it feel like for you, I wonder, to trust she is not the one, here and now, and so to create space for ‘the one’ is all you need to do in order to attract her in?
And this is as ‘new agey’ as I get—there is a ‘there-there’ in some of it, like in your books—and any reasonable woman would be terrified to align with the power of your Taurus, so maybe that’s worth a couple of sense. 😉 cheers

Farm Cat
17 days ago

Interesting that her face (eyes, etc.) isn’t in the painting… Are you sure it’s her work? Looks like a Maryna TImchenko….

Last edited 17 days ago by Farm Cat
Rebecca H
Rebecca H
18 days ago

Apologies for any disregard for the pain, but I had to comment on how beautiful it all is. I feel as if I traveled back in time to a period of my life during which I found myself in a similar trio…well, many more than trio on his part. I killed myself in every way possible…for a man whom I lost to many other women. The serial polygamist who I wrapped myself up in so completely, I, too accepted the polygamist lifestyle. Whatever it took to keep him, us, and myself in the passion of it all.
I carry with me the literal scars. I struggle, ten years later, to remove my witness from the experience. I dishonored myself, my light, and my existence to the point where the only thing left of me to kill was physical. I survived that aspect. It was the easy part.
I have much more to call to the floor and look at in present that I now realize, after reading, that I haven’t looked at because of the fear…of the memory. And the shame I placed upon my own self. I failed the lesson that time.
Reading this was as if I traveled back in time to tell myself the things I wish I would have said to myself then. So I will say them now and finally let it become a past. I must have done something right for myself as I now have two children, but I have been a damn terrible partner to their father…because of the things I needed to say to myself but didn’t.
Stranger things have happened on the internet I guess.
Best apocalypse ever.

Denise CC
Denise CC
17 days ago
Reply to  Rebecca H

Wow, what a share <3

Jessica Van Deusen
18 days ago

I find it interesting that in the pursuit of saving the victim you yourself became one. When you search for someone based on things they can give you, or you can give them, it will never be an authentic relationship. Electricity isn’t based on who can give whom what. Stop being victimized and seek out women who don’t need to be rescued. Love you James. ❤️

Annetjie Orsos
Annetjie Orsos
18 days ago

Hi James, sharing your experience took me back 35 years when I was in the same situation, but both of us was married, he was 14 years older, a Who’s Who in the country. I walked out of a 13 year marriage with only my clothes, my car and agreed to leave my children with their dad (alcoholic, no ambition, no money), as he threatened to expose the affair to the media. I attempted suicide, being used as example of “Fatal Attraction” in corporate magazines as the other woman. Then I found out about the other women and he said I wouldn’t leave him. 33 years later I still struggle to forgive myself for leaving my girls, but by grace we always had a very close-knit relationship. I am now in a 30 year abusive marriage to a person totally different from me and have been searching for answers – until now. Obviously you love L’Auren dearly if you considered starting a family with her. I think it’s much better you haven’t as it doesn’t seem she is worthy of you, your energy, your soul. The same goes for your friend Andy. Know you are in my thoughts, thanks again for sharing your experience

Kristin Hanna
18 days ago

They way you call out the dynamics is critical, compassionate, and healing. Mind blown.

Denise CC
Denise CC
17 days ago
Reply to  Kristin Hanna

Best comment 🙂

SapereAude- Lauri
18 days ago

I wish I’d had a friend like you a long time ago. I was married 26 years. He was the polygamist, and I seem to be the only one who didn’t know. He was also controlling, and I didn’t have close friends after the marriage who might have said something. Only his friends were allowed around. We lived in the middle of nowhere with one vehicle, so it was easy for him to control everything.Why did I stay? For my daughter. He wouldn’t let me work away from home. Remember, he controlled the vehicle. My mom passed when I was a teen and my dad was on wife 3, who hated us, at that time. When I’d threaten to leave, he’d say I’d never see my daughter again. When she moved out, I got a job. He couldn’t handle that. We divorced and he had his latest moved in within a week, into the house that has my blood in it’s walls, because I literally helped build it. I tried dating a little after that, but was only meeting married men trying the same thing he did to me. I couldn’t do that.

I wish you much love, and I hope you find the perfect lady for you soon.

Kimber
Kimber
18 days ago

Jame-son i have been where you are right now. I have compassion for you and I’m going to be totally authentic with you. You mentioned you “loved” her, this is not love, it’s intoxication. It looks a lot like the “dark side of cupid”. Eve Lorgens work, I encourage you to read it. Totally unsolicited advice but I found it helped me to recognize my history of toxic relationships for what they were on a different level. Might help you see this experience in a different light, might not. For now I would celebrate the closeness of the match with this Lauren character. How close she was to what you are looking for minus the infidelity and drama. Reserve your prana expended on this (emotional, physical, spiritual) and take some of these other gals up on their offers! Like you said you want a family so don’t waste time on this polygamist. Thank her for showing you her true colours early on and onto the next…the future mother of your children! You will be a stellar daddio. Love and healing, Kimber✨

Elizabeth Wilhelm
Cherlynn
18 days ago

Ok, it was too painful to read completely.
So, here is my Mommy advise.
When our rational mind can not make sense of the narrative we correct it automatically.
This ability to forgive and forget makes us vulnerable to ‘soul suckers’.
Therefore-you are derailing. W/O truth and love the tracks are not connected to the earth-and well you know the rest of the story.
So, stop giving away to a Siren what a righteous women would appreciate. Life is too short.

Joe Ingenito
Juggy
18 days ago

wow. miss me yet? cant say I didnt see all this coming and noped the fuck out lol. the unintended consequences of being eaten by your own cartoon character. hang in there dude, plant your feet in the dirt and forget about all this shit for a while.

Heather
Heather
18 days ago

I have missed a lot of what has been going on in general as I am not able to watch your livestream every day or join the dojo daily.

That being said, I am assuming it is Andy K you are talking about, I thought he had a wife and children?

I also gather there is a 10 year or more age gap between you and L’Auren?

As an older woman with 4 grown children 3 daughters and a son I think I can speak with some experience.

When I was 17 I got involved with a married man of 30, I did not know he was married at the time, however I was drawn to him because of his experience, he was drawn to me by my energy and confidence for one so young, he said I always walked tall with my head up. When I found out he was married I finished the relationship.

It seems to me that you could have been drawn in by her energy a good deal of which was sexual energy, and felt perhaps bolstered by her attention, I am also assuming that she is an attractive female?

She has hurt you in many ways, humiliation along with the her disloyalty and that of your friend, intimate disloyalty cuts deeply.

You rightly state that you are addicted, and you know how that plays out, you have to go cold turkey, and work through the grief of your loss of intimacy and the loss of your friend.

You certainly need compassion for Andy, I am sure you would not swap places with him even though you may want to.

This woman (girl) appears to be a user of others, the self- portrait says this, how she sees herself, it is not an attractive picture, it says predator to me.

Time to up your vitamin C intake, mega dose, (sodium ascorbate), this will help you deal with the stress and bring your mood up, also your Vitamin D3, your sunshine vitamin. The rest will take time.

I hope you grief subsides soon.

Heather
Heather
18 days ago
Reply to  jarue

It starts as sexual attraction, and of course a family is beyond that.

She was not honest with you, as you were with her.

It is just as well that you did not start a family with her.

I did not intend to offend you, I was not insinuating that you are not experienced, perhaps just not experienced with this type of female.

Heather
Heather
18 days ago
Reply to  jarue

I do not think anyone would think that about you, especially those that listen to your live streams and read your work. I certainly do not.
 
I was trying to convey how strong the sexual pull is and how it can masquerade as something it is not, how easily we can all
be pulled into it, especially when we are in love.

Sami Ahmed
Sami Ahmed
19 days ago

I think this is very brave of you to write about. It must be a very awful experience to try to put it into words knowing how people are. It must hurt a lot to be pulled and pushed in so many directions by people that you care about. Just know that you made the affirmative choice to do the right thing and pull back from it. A lesser person would accept her offer and get off on cucking another man.

Farm Cat
Farm Cat
18 days ago
Reply to  jarue

Doesnt it feel better that it’s at least all out in the open now? Go figure, you are human after all. Hang in there… BAE.

Femme
Femme
10 days ago
Reply to  jarue

Offer to swap “magick stuff”. I break your “triangle attraction addiction”, you break whatever attracts online stalkers and incels to me. Saying this somewhat in jest, but also serious. Willing to try anything, and can relate.