Dojo #230 – Deviled Eggs and Wasabi

so but thanks for asking yeah i keep meaning to ask and how how
long are you well that’s a funny thing so i know the date
i conceived um so i am in my 15th week of pregnancy
now and i’m showing a lot and i’m wondering
like i’m really wondering how many are in there at this point and uh you know everyone else is too
they’re like see that’s why you should go get out looked at there’s probably a few in there what if
this my mom’s friend went so far as to say that i i’m not pregnant but that i have
a hormone producing tumor which would explain my irrational behavior and why
i’m growing so quickly so
is what they are i suppose yeah i can’t wait to watch this recording one day and this is how the dojo opens
i know hey gonna be the best one ever
show my kid one day or all of them oh maybe all of them yeah all three of
them in there i’ll have to show you guys get your professional opinions on it
let’s prove it i have seven kids i remember
uh a dojo where that was released savage aldrid
how yeah the information is out yeah
yeah it’s sort of it’s sort of my identity
interesting hi everybody
hi jen hello everybody it’s seven o’clock
and i’m assuming you can hear me uh welcome to dojo
i am mr rourke your host tattoo is right here but he’s very short
and so he cannot reach the counter to uh say hi but uh if he was if he could he
would say uh the plane to plane um good to see you guys and uh with this
is a short dojo it’s the first time we’ve ever done this this is going to be an hour-long dojo
um and that’s because we’re doing a uh a full moon stream
let me just get nancy there she’s channeling the uh reticuli uh the zeta reticuli always nice to see the zeta
particulate chiming in but uh yeah we we have a special uh
uh thing in the jubilee right a uh dojo airship
uh buckmoon open skate extravaganza um
yeah i wish i was wearing like a glittery coat after i described that but you guys are welcome to stay for that it’s just the only thing different is
it’s just a conversation and and it’ll be streamed i’m not trying to turn this into commercial right now i’d rather just get down to dojo but since there’s
no hands it’s probably okay that i go ahead and tell you that so it’s a good opportunity to do that but
that show will be kicking off at uh 8 30 which gives us a little bit of a buffer
in between should we actually end up going a little bit late uh and things like that so uh hope to see
everyone there um does anyone have anything they want to
bring to the dojo or let me rephrase that who will bring something to the dojo
i have something to bring in i will bring something it’s been rotten you bring it girl here
i am i’m about to bring it okay so like two dojos ago i figured something
out really important um about myself um that i kind of wanted to share
because it was brought on by being in dojo and that is it was it all sort of came
clear when we started talking about self-harm the last time we were all talking i’m like who would ever do that like i
couldn’t wrap my head around it etc but i was feeling really stupid and down on myself for the dojo prior because i felt
like i asked a stupid question and you wouldn’t believe how hard i beat myself up for like the whole next day
and i realized i do self-harm it’s just not a physical self-harm i’m just beating myself up over the dumbest
and i really saw that um because we got to
have that conversation about harm than the next time which was so interesting but i
just realized um how much i need and it’s so embarrassing i’m so addicted
to um like being well liked and
wanting people to like me and not wanting to say something stupid and i need so much it’s not affirmation it’s
like you did good or i don’t know what it is but i don’t want that
um i don’t i don’t want to have to care about what people think but i care so
much especially around you guys and every time i’m here i just you know we all talk about our
electricity but mine is insane and like i wouldn’t even be like hi guys it’s me i’m really nervous but like even now
like even on the way to the antique store to have like this dojo in private i’m
my my hands are shaking my voice is a little shaky i just there’s something about this that is so special to me and
i value it so much and so and i’m just so self-correcting
that it’s but it’s like to a fault like i really need to be more lenient with myself
so and you guys kind of all just by the nature of the topics that we talk about just showed me how much
i’m sort of afraid to speak up or ask the dumb question even though that’s my role i’m the jester i’m
the one who asked the dumb questions no one else has to but then what about when you do have a dog i don’t know so that’s
um so thank you guys for inadvertently helping me figure that out because i’m
so i’m so over it i just don’t know how to move past it and i don’t even want to feel better about it yet you know when i sit in my
shitty diaper for a little while i guess but yeah i don’t know i and i tried to look
up golden child syndrome for a minute but you know i’ve got 5 000 tabs open i’m like is it that is it that i need to
be patted on the back for like what you’re so you know is it a birth order thing because i’m the firstborn and i’m
leading the way is it because you know i do play the gesture in my in my social circles or what i mean even
looking around at your faces i’m like who’s bored who’s looking at something else who’s like i’m trying to oh
i want to relate to you guys so much and i want i wish we were all in a room together and then sometimes one of you
will really annoy me and i don’t want to say that i don’t be like that’s the most annoying thing because i do want to be your friend but
also we’re not here to be friends you know it’s just very complicated so that’s
that’s what i wanted to say i’m addicted to you guys
this is a really stupid topic i can’t believe that you thank you i don’t know
14 lashes why why aren’t you allowed to be in dojo to make friends
maybe that’s not what everybody else did yeah i don’t know it’s not that maybe i’m just like
i’m so used to making friends all the time and just since the since the last you know 2020 was so crazy and it continues to be
crazy and i’ll like have interactions with people then they’ll say something cruel that is like
oh i’m glad all these stupid antibacters are dying or something like that’ll just turn me off to a degree that
before i would let people go ahead and think and feel how they wanted it didn’t mean that that was going to put up a
wall between us but now it just dies constantly and i don’t
it made me realize i don’t know if i know how to be really good friends with people anymore
uh you know and especially virtually like i wanna i wanna hang out
i like to party i like to be around people and i don’t know i love people so i just feel
like i’m missing missing people a lot and maybe i’m scared to be friends i don’t
know i don’t know really are you guys we’re best friends now oh wow
where are you jen hi carla i’m in um a little place called sioux st marie michigan in the upper
peninsula of yeah michigan
in an antique store well instead of solving it i i
i want to congratulate you on finding an opportunity to be nervous and insecure
and find yourself in a position of you’re either seeking approval or
permission uh and you’re
it’s actually how you’re interacting with the with the tent
all of us have brought a potluck of energy that we expect each of us to devour and
some of us have deviled eggs and some of us have potato salad and when you when you feel
uh energetically like you’re losing electricity in a way
you’re you’re feeding the group because you’re nervous about how everyone is going to perceive you and that’s a
really deep gift it’s a gift of vulnerability that you bring in and it’s something that you
should be working on too at the same time because we don’t want a group where everyone is having to constantly
reaffirm each other in fact i think that you stole from the table
when someone annoyed you and you said i don’t want to say that i don’t want to say that someone annoys me so
instead you’re at the table and you’re either pilfering too many uh uh
double decks yeah you’re either pilfering too many of them or or you’re only taking them when no one’s
looking when actually you kind of owe it to the table to be like hey
john that was annoying as or hey i feel like
that maybe that wasn’t authentic what you just said or i just somehow feel empty from that or and all that puts you
on the mat it doesn’t actually bring someone else on the mat as much as it puts you on the mat and you don’t
actually know that until you’ve actually either brought yourself on the mat or someone else and you actually you’re
waiting for the group to define and devour and eviscerate either you or your
opponent which isn’t someone that you’re trying to defeat it’s someone that you’ve found a strong
polarity with that you want to dance to so this is this is a dojo
it’s this active kind of witness dance i think you’re correct to say we’re not we’re not really friends here
that doesn’t mean at all that we don’t develop friendships and that we don’t have those things happening but while
we’re in here this is this is a class it’s a karate class right but it’s psychic
and if anyone is going to turn this into some sort of uh
a friendlies uh elbow rub then that ends up being a threat to the
value and potency of dojo so to bring it all back though because i
think i’m getting off track and forgive me the energy the nervousness that you feel is most the time an opportunity to
level up you spent forever as a quiet mouse in here never saying a word and
then you you didn’t just start speaking you you erupted and roared
you you really came forth with a lot of force i i mean this in a beautiful like sparkling way it was very penetrating
and i think maybe you’re feeling a little bit of shedding from that but that shedding is simply a really
good reflection of just where your stance is how proud you are of the energy that you’re allowed to devour
when you come here versus um how ashamed you are
that that all you brought was something that you feel is now bitter or has a sour taste to it instead of something
more hearty that other people might enjoy right so the key to a good potluck is always
going to be someone’s really shitty looking gray ass guacamole that just everyone is like get
that the away from me because you will find that people in the group will start to scoop that stuff up and make
themselves eat it because they do not want anyone to feel bad who brought energy to the potluck and that even that
is a beautiful event to pull on the mat and say hey wait wait come here what do you mean you like that that guacamole
macaroni guacamole salad are you no you didn’t no i did it was great it was no
there’s only one little spoonful here eat the whole thing and like that’s what we do to each other or at
least hopefully that’s what we do to each other so i want just congratulate you on
seeing the nervousness because i think it’s really important it’s a really valuable asset and when
you find yourself in that nervousness or more importantly when you find yourself embarrassed about things that you said
the next day that that vitriol is in fact the exercise that we’re using to level up
we’re creating those events so that we can find a way to
to subdue or power up from them this is how i feel after every live
stream there will be certain parts of it that i will deeply regret
but i mean not every sometimes it’s not but sometimes it’s very penetratingly depressing because i’m so ashamed of
how i performed today or yesterday and that that can
echo in two weeks and then there are triumphs where i’ve i’m holding the giant’s head and his
throat him and i’m just like yeah and so all those are opportunities
really for me to see how how much power i feel comfortable holding how how much power i feel comfortable
holding and we’ll end up beating ourselves on the back end because we’re trying to
train ourselves to please do not seek so much witness next time at the potluck i want you to to taste little
eat a small plate or everyone’s going to think you’re fat you know everyone’s going to think this right so
make sure you you put a lot of carrots on there so people will think you’re healthy because you want to make
sure that people like you like that kind of thing that is the beautiful exercise that i want us to expose
but in a in a accepting way i’m not even asking for us to change it i’m asking us to find the elegance that we have in
being regretful is really us having the bridle over our our horse and trying to slow it
down a little bit next time which may not be the right call it may just be that we’re just like i
don’t like going this fast man can we slow it down a little bit guy i’m going so sorry i thank you just sucks
you know um no thank you it’s it’s it’s i guess what
i’m realizing right now as you’re speaking is that i don’t really know how to
um or at least with you guys and this is important how to be honest and friendly
at the same time because the thoughts that come to my mind are like what i have and i don’t i don’t know how to
wrap it up and deliver it and i want to be tactful i want to oh you know i’m not trying to be
i don’t know i don’t know i just don’t know how to deliver it most of the time so i’m going to do better because i
don’t know and i’m no i’m now i’m going again but i want you to be authentic those are the things that i want in my
life i want you to be authentic and i’m going to feel more comfortable and trust you more the more authentic you are
but i’m very susceptible to praise too i get blindsided because someone will
tell me how great i am and then i’ll i’ll i’ll build a relationship with them for months or for years
and the entire time i really don’t know who it is because all they’re doing is just whispering in my ear about how great i am so me personally just james
true i value authenticity in my friends and that’s why
there’s not a lot of people around no there aren’t yeah either this is their hermetic journey
though we could all say that we failed because we don’t have a lot of friends or we
could all say that we’ve really embraced our hermetic journey because we don’t have a lot of friends and you can either
vent electricity from that or you can pull power in from that right both of those are the same perspective of tuning
into the same truth source is telling you something right and you’re even choosing to to
look at it as it’s because i just suck as a person or it’s because i’m really getting good at being a hermit
at this hermetical part of it right i don’t hermit has such a nasty taste but it shouldn’t hermit’s the one that’s
gone within it you know i’m finding the gold i will be authentic which as soon as you do that
people gonna be like would you stop being so authentic oh you were it is a threat you are bothering me says
the person because this is not the promise that we made to each other so long ago when we first met you were not
going to be authentic and i was not going to be authentic exactly at 17 authenticity we were going to have a
great relationship that way but we were never going to go up to 18 what are you nuts
now you come in here at 34 how dare you now you’re stealing from them because
you had a pot pot luck with them established for a long time where you guys bring the same thing and all of a
sudden you bring a gift that’s over 20 and you think it’s being nice but it’s not you’re offending everyone in the
room because now you want to spend 100 on the gift because you have that much more gold to bring right
totally and i’m really good at this actually with my with my close people i can up the ante no problem it’s with
it’s in in the moment that i’m engaging with the world and you guys are pretty much strangers to me and it’s in those
moments where i have the most stage fright in being authentic and i don’t know why that is yet but even i want to
be part of you know a solution the solution i don’t want to be i don’t want to be perpetuating things that i don’t
align with you know and i’m really good at doing that i’ve seen it happen my whole life i didn’t know why i was making decisions and then i was just
in hindsight i’m like oh yeah you just didn’t want to be building chemical biological nuclear warhead detectors and putting them up in every country in the
world for the you know like oh of course you don’t want to do that jen like even though you’re making x amount of money a
day but the thing is i i do want to speak up i am an artist i i
just don’t know what to say right now or how to say it to everyone because i don’t want to scare everyone away i love people and i want to help wake people up
in a way but i don’t it’s also um i guess i just i just yeah i’m realizing it’s mostly with
with strangers and like how do we how do we turn the tides i guess this but with
my mom my sister my cousins everyone else i’m like eat i’m doing it this way
that’s a bunch of i can’t believe you would say it’s really funny i’m totally different that way but anyways we only have an hour
i don’t want to take up the whole thing but thanks for letting me hear my air that it’s a great topic and uh
i think a lot of ways a lot of way a healthy way to consider it is
you don’t need to speak up because speaking up is sort of like you’re you’re going to set a certain thing
where now you’re going to say something and you’re going to pull this martin luther where you’re going to hammer the rules on the door and
it’s really more that that we’re just we’re beginning to sing we’re just starting to sing out loud now
and your authenticity is a song and it can be the same chorus over and over again it can it can have the same
rhythm the same it’s supposed to and when you look at it like a song
you’re allowed to sing just because you want to sing when you have something to say people
are like well why are you saying this it’d be like asking a bird why are you why are you singing right now and the
bird is just like that’s just a psychotic question what does that even mean like what’s wrong with you
do i even have a question like that it completely changes the energy right doesn’t it
we’re not here to speak up we’re here to to find our voice and that voice is
really a song it’s sure is and simple songs are great
yeah it’s a posture there’s your tune there’s how how tuned your instrument is is your posture
and then you play your your two towers and something’s complete
a chorus comes out yeah i love it thanks james
as an amateur i think it’s uh this is more difficult than anything performative uh
trying to listen uh make sure you’re listening without your train of thought running off and uh you know looking at faces
but it is uh it’s amazing experience to be a part of the dojo and it definitely does
make you give much for consideration as far as things to sharpen or things to dull
totally it’s a jam session we are i mean music is just listening and responding so
i play i get that i like that i feel like it’s an exploration you know
a lot of the things that go on here for me are like experiments you know i’ll
say this and see you know something i want to say should i say it should i not say it i don’t want to say it all the
time just to say something but you know it’s interesting to see how you feel
when you do say it how you feel when you don’t say it how everybody you know there’s so much going on here with all
these people and as james says it’s not really a friends
arena you know so that can happen but it’s just interesting yeah
we have a higher expectation than friends do and that might sound weird because you
we might think well friends are like super loyal to the end but not not really i mean it depends you
could certainly have a wide spectrum of definition of the word friend okay so i totally get
that but i don’t know if i’m the one maybe i’m the only one but i’ve noticed a lot my
like with my with my divorce i could have sworn those people were my
friends i could have sworn they were my friends and and one of them could have had enough
courage to go so dude i’ve been hearing some crazy ass stories what the happened like one
of them could have done that just like one one out of like 36 of them
could have done that i’m not even exaggerating and it’s it
but i was living with them the whole time in a palisade of we’re all friends man
and we are because we bonded over over the asphyxiation of our brain cells
through alcohol so that’s about as deep as our bond really is with those friends
and those friends are not going to push or
push a link or a source of interesting information or a question
about what’s going on so
there’s the hermetic journey right and that’s been that way my whole life
i’ll join honesty is friendly not everybody gets the tune
you know in turkish there’s a thing a friend sounds is bitter
you do a friend talk you bitter he give you the true medicine bit of medicine
that’s what the friend did yeah my thoughts won that’s what i mean by
there’s such a broad definition right because but most of the societal friends that we
have are more just uh potluck enthusiasts
where we dine on a very specific food at a very specific time with a very
specific behavior around it right and uh that’s what we go to do
and that’s why if you just just whisper hey i want to open a brewery like millions of dollars
will fall from the sky and people be like yes yes you mean we can have a like a really
hoppy kind of beer and you’re like yes and we can have a logo and it’s like yes and they’re just like oh my god this is
going to change the entire world and that’s happening like every single day why because of the the bond
that bacchus brings right the fermentation of that trauma
is is a certain level that attracts a nice even kill people that makes everyone feel
like there’s a better truth among us all but it’s
not not really i mean those the the
authentic friends are i think that’s more like uh
it’s more like you’re you’re out on the it’s more like fellow survivors living
in the tundra of like this apocalyptic wasteland it’s like even those guys aren’t really friends they’re just
there’s com companionship because you’re meeting each other right in the in the
libertarian the pirate village where everyone’s an outlaw but but there’s not this same communion
that the typical definition of friends comes with which is that hey we’re all
where we go one where you go all and it’s like the outlaw doesn’t have that kind of friendship they they would still
deeply connect but there’s not this uh
trust it’s like you’re whoring out your trust to each other
you see what i’m saying yeah that that builds this soft kind of friendship and
i don’t mean to say that that’s what friendship means so forgive me for defining it that way there really is a broad spectrum of what that word means
but most of society is built on that most of it is
and so when you begin the hermetic journey the first thing that you have to take out back and shoot in the head
is all those people like that’s the first thing and that’s very difficult that’s a very
expensive endeavor to do that’s why we don’t sing
because if we’re singing too loud we might say something we might change the beat that’s why karaoke is so great
because everyone has the words no one can get offended you can sing as horribly as you want as long as you’re
saying the words on the page the words give you immunity that you’re not doing anything wrong
right that that’s what most of that man bear pig world is
it really is an outer church i know that sounds bizarrely
insulting but it really is just that’s just the way it works there’s just people that are
aren’t really in church to like study they’re just kind of there to hang out
you know the tabernacle that was just a giant wandering barbecue in the wilderness it was just like yeah
you know why don’t you bring your goats we’ll we’ll rub your sin into the goat and then we’ll cook them
and then we’ll send it it will send you home with goat not your go we’ll give you another person’s goat because that would be sacrilegious but that that was
how that was like the birth of these and was just a wandering barbecue so it’s
there’s not there’s nothing even wrong with it is what i’m trying to say that superficial level
what what’s wrong is is you the empath are you the hermit are you the cleric are you the seeker
trying to find solace in connection inside of that outer church
and it’s never ever gonna happen you’re gonna find these other survivors
in the wilderness when you when you break camp on this vista and you’ll see them for a few days
but these these these guys are on a mission just like you are you guys have things
to do so even the camaraderie of hey st patrick’s day why don’t we go go to that
that that beer garden place they have a really hoppy beer that’s new no way yeah
man it’s like really hoppy it’s like they took a lot of hops and then they put more hops in it and
you’re not gonna fit in there and when you go there people are gonna look at you like what’s wrong with you man what’s wrong with you and you’re just
like just bored it’s just boring and then now you’re the
you’re the one ruining everyone’s time because you’re you’re you’re looking for something at this
table that’s not being that’s not being served right
am i alone here on that because i exactly it exactly
yes that’s hilarious i’m crying james what’s bacchus a god of wine beer
maybe i’ve met this god well he’s hard to miss he runs things something called the super bowl yeah
no no go ahead i hope everyone’s met bacchus at least a little bit um but uh i just want to
comment a little bit on the stranger thing like so for me most of the people i interact with these days are through online on
streams and chats and things and even that is rare i don’t even do that very much but the only reason i do it at all
is because before i would have said sometimes the responses i get sounds like people don’t understand me
but for some reason now i describe it as they just don’t hear me like they just don’t even hear me like the responses
i’m getting i’m like i don’t know what you heard i can’t even compassionate what you heard to then create that
response out of what i said um and it’s made it very easy for me to just kind of back out of the
conversation quickly like i i just i don’t even care like i’m just like oh all right
i don’t respond like in the most recent time like someone else in the chat actually did hear me enough to get into
a conversation with that person um and i had already backed out of the chat and because that person and the
other one knew each other from that tribe of chat they were able to reach some sort of understanding off of the
vitriol that i caused with my comment but like because some other guy was able to actually hear me but there had been no
point for me to actually interact with that dude directly i feel like and so the ability to i’m just so less reactive
now uh when i see that um when i when it’s obvious sounded like that before i would have tried to push
through and now i just back away and it just the the normie thing goes a lot easier when i can back out like that and
you can test right because there’s some cool ones out there but unless you say something you know a little weird you’re not gonna know
um so yeah i don’t know that’s it
well i will bring down the room if i’m hanging with normies and i’m not like in flow state i will bring them all down
and it won’t be on purpose i will just like i said i will be bored and people will just feel that energy
and because i have so much energy it will dr it will i will sink that airship in minutes
i will which is why i can’t be around the baca stuff as much because i get bored so easily and i’m sitting in
this wrought iron metal thing on this chair out in public because the
purpose is we’re supposed to swallow all of this liquid that’s very thick and the
whole thing’s just gonna fixate me and then i have to figure out a way to get home without causing any it’s just like
all this is is just a really awkward problem where i’m agreeing to be bloated for like eight hours see i’m doing it
right now like i would bring the entire table down where they’d be like dude will you just go just throwing rocks at me because it’s
just like what is wrong with you and they’d be right they would be absolutely right
they would angela i’m sorry i i hope it didn’t make you
you had your hand yeah i don’t even know what i was gonna say there’s so many things um
a lot of the things jen was talking about like beating yourself up i i do that
not so much as i used to but i think that’s just like a behavior we learned you know
in the world of having to be polite all the time and then when i kind of like
you know cold killed all of my friends at the beginning of all this like i’m down to like five people in my life i think but
um yeah i mean it’s like the inability to be authentic around
these people makes it difficult to be around them you know like i just i want to be around people that’ll just be like
what the is wrong with you today you know that will just say just say whatever is on on the mind and
it’s just it’s so hard to find and it’s it’s tough out there you know i i
try to connect with people because i am a hermit and i have been my whole life
and and i after you know long periods of time i’m like people yes i’m gonna go out there
and connect with people and then after like like a few hours i’m like people suck i
hate people why did i do that i’m going back into my cave it’s like this constant me trying to
connect and then pulling away and then trying to connect and then pulling away and it’s
it’s weird see and i’ve always been with people i’ve never been the hermit
and so this is a new outfit and i’m like maybe i’m just having withdrawals and i’m like wow i can’t connect anymore
with anyone this is really weird and i never have hated people ever i’ve loved them and i i love every
way not everyone but and i guess love is kind of a loaded term but i really like
my portrait booths i would just sit down and we would and and they would it was five minutes of staring at a stranger
and showing them what i thought they their essence looked like in a little watercolor portrait it’d be this like beautiful sentimental moment where i’m
like what’s your art and they’re like how are you asking me what my art is and then they’d open up in this beautiful
way and they’d leave all happy and i felt like i was servicing humanity in a really great way and showing people who
they were um and even learning a lot about myself it was never the portrait ruth was never really felt about like it
was about me or my portraits after a while i was like this is free for everyone else and now it’s like
no more faces so but yeah thanks angela that helped me
realize something too i’ve learned to and to really love humanity
which means i i have to fully simulate why it is the way it is and not
considered broken and that’s been a really good exercise even the bacchus stuff like i get that i
can’t i can’t go to raleigh and see my friend ed and hang out with him and go to a beer garden i can’t i’m gonna bring
everyone down doesn’t mean i can’t like ed but i know enough to know i’m not gonna
be able to pull that off we i can help him move i could
you know meet him to go fishing there’s a lot we could do but we can’t do that anymore and that’s part of learning how
to be a hermit you go outside to learn what your shape is what your energetic exchange is because you
we we the light that we truly need to survive is is i think
witness it really is and you’ll appreciate witness more if
you don’t hold it literally to human words that’s why it’s easier to appreciate the
bacchus people because you’re not you’re not hearing their words as if they’re uh speaking the truth and commit no
that’s not what those words are doing at all that this is not what those words mean at all
and and you can you can interact with them but it’s this is a very different kind of interaction and if you can fully
appreciate the beauty of humanity you can find that wave see i think it’s my fault if i that i’m bringing everyone
down at the beer garden it’s not because i’m have a more deeper understanding no i’m the one that’s up because
i’m not able to engage with witness and i will i will poison everyone there
at the table that’s what i mean by i’m i’m wrong for that place but it’s my
authenticity still requires that that’s what i do which is why i don’t go there
because i i don’t want to suffer the the arrows of people saying why do you have thorns you
thorny you’ve thorned and i’m like i j i and i’m tired of
apologizing for that i’d rather make them as beautiful and as obvious as possible and learn to grow in
such a way where they’re not going to be causing that much trouble too so you know it’s it’s it’s all carving us
in in really good healthy ways one of the reasons why we do the gatherings like the fire tonight is is
precisely because of this we we need to gather we need to find each other and i i hope that that’s what
the dojo does too but i have to set the the tone of the dojo more importantly because if not it’ll turn into a beer
garden and it does that all the time
it’s a constant battle and i i beat myself up because i was either too soft or i wasn’t hard enough or whatever
there are certain people that are so offended that they haven’t come back you may or may not have noticed but that happens a lot and most of it is
because i’m putting corrections into the dojo as strategically as i can but this
just happens man it’s just this is just the
the way it works so in two years i’ve noticed it big time maybe that was part of my reticence too
just like how you engage and then you can’t take it or what whatever i don’t know yeah it’s been really wild to
just watch everyone come and go and it’s cool to see the people that are still here and
yeah people been sending old clips to the dojo and i’m always profoundly blown away by the old the former dojo members
that have been through the doors and some of them have like salacious
anger at at me or at the dojo now some of them don’t some of them
think that we’re it the dojo is the stupidest thing that ever existed all those things are the coloring of the
pollen that really is the result of what happens when you’re here in the dojo
and and my job is to make you leave the the table the potluck
tasting something even if you hate it i want it to be so vividly
uh bitter as moe says right i want it to be pungent yeah it’s wasabi
you got a problem with wasabi like i that’s what i want it to feel like you know
so i expect that people will say this is the most disgusting restaurant i’ve ever had i will never eat there again that
that is actually part of the flavor and the tenor of of what makes you a chef right
do you see how this ties back into your authenticity you you want to see the yelp ratings that are like oh my god
this is the most disgusting tongue that’s ever spoken a word be careful of jen stay the away
that is just as valuable to your your uh ability to to serve a deep meal
as it is to have the oh my god it’s the best because keep in mind most of the people that are living in the beer
garden are only giving yelp five stars they’re not going to give bad reviews they’re only going to say how much they
like and how much they like and how much they like and how much they like so even the praise that you’re getting you’ve always known it’s not authentic which is
why you’ve entered into this hermetical journey where you’ve started to say i think you guys are full i don’t
think you would tell me if you didn’t like this that’s the hermit boom you’ve instantly exploded and now you’re seeking your own path and you’re
starting to find that the hatred is actually valuable because it’s the only response you’ve ever gotten from these
people in the beer garden that you feel was actually authentic
my god do you see how much more valuable it is now you’ve now gotten someone that was just
this to say hey that made me mad and the whole time they were just doing
this oh i just so hoppy oh look at all the hops oh look there’s pops inside the hops oh the logos has a hop on it
and all of a sudden boom hey you just offended me for the first time that person is now being authentic with you
oh i puke you popped something
you you bursted some sort of a barrier between you two
and now you’re their mortal enemy so they have to get you to stay away or now they’re your new best friend and now
they’re going to grip onto you too tight and the whole time you’re like wait i hate humans this is annoying as
it’s hard of course but you it’s all of us are addicted to
it it’s human witness and it’s not going anywhere
talk about alcohol got me thinking a little bit um
when i was working at the bowling alley they had this lounge with the headlight bands and a
bar and everything and you know it would kind of look like fun and look like something i might want to
check out but then when you consider it closer it’s
you’re spending all this money for drinks and there’s they
i don’t know how it developed in in bars or whatever but a lot of times part of it has music so
loud you can’t really think or even talk to anybody and it’s
if if the right expression is low vibration environment i think that’s what
what’s going on there and um then i was i used to
drink a little bit just to fit in with like different people that i hung out
with and stuff and sometimes i would try to do it to the point of excess where they
would ask me to to stay over and i think that was a
probably a uh i was wanting to bond and maybe you know
get to the point of having a deeper conversation maybe but so i i had planned
for that to happen this one time and so it got to the end of the night and i
i thought they i thought these people were gonna invite me to stay over
and the guy said all right well keep it between the ditches and um that that’s kind of like a
that’s like a snippet of babylon like you know don’t don’t go looking there
for for your salvation and i i think we i think what’s great about the dojo is
you can be you can share your strengths with people at times but also
you can be completely vulnerable and and bring that um
i i returned to i guess the truth community in in june
when i came back here and also re-subscribed to crow after
uh almost three years and uh just really been enjoying
the you know um listening to that again um
it’s i i mean i was always i felt like it was a i’d been through a
phase and i needed to kind of move on but now i’ve i’ve realized that it’s
um it’s not something i that i need to or want to move on from
it’s it’s something that i really need you know and um to have the
the little bit of fellowship and community as things are getting really
like you know like bad out there in a lot of ways so that’s all thanks
there’s nothing wrong with being addicted to witness it’s i’m really glad that it’s built in
actually [Music] be a very different world if it wasn’t so
so i was just going to try and go back to the like feeling like you’ve lost all your friends and like there’s nobody
around that understands you the um because there was a video i was watching
today it was kind of astrology based but he was talking about this particular full moon and how it’s very
kind of what we’re talking about like this up i don’t i don’t want to just be nice and be polite like this is
not working anymore and you know and he was talking about how this this stuff is not for everybody
it’s for those people who look around and like there’s nobody left like because you’re kind of ahead of the
curve you know like we’re all just kind of working out this crap and i think i feel like you know
this dojo is full of those people that are just sort of like yeah this isn’t working anymore and they find themselves
alone because like it’s working for everybody else still but like slowly it’s happening it seems like but
i think a lot of people are feeling the same way that it’s just like okay now that i figured this out
okay now what so i don’t know i it feels like that energy is in the
world right now anyways and i think you’re picking up on that gem i guess that’s all i’m trying to say that is
fascinating actually i do like thanks gwen it’s good to hear from you
who’s your astrologer person link me guy on youtube called rasa lila
here healing i think i’ve only listened to a few of his videos he’s kind of goofy
but he has some interesting things to say i like siphoning through goofball stuff
so thanks for that
yeah when everybody listens to crow uh everyone has a
uh an experience that they all went through this the same it’s a shared experience and that that
breeds community that that that’s what makes humanity
that’s what makes it stick together and so um all the things that are that are
offered up i’ve noticed this a lot with with my role as a live streamer
it’s very it’s very awkward to explain
the the closest thing i could say to it is for example hugh uh hugh’s a a patron who’s just been
watching the channel all the time hugh always comes in in the live stream when he’s there and says
good morning everyone and good morning james and and i i’ve realized that i’m
first of all i don’t have a problem with that and and i appreciate that he’s saying good morning but it
it’s the only the closest thing i can do to convey what i mean is that there’s an awkward difference even for me
the way that i relate to community and hugh is kind of illustrating that
that that there’s there’s tribe good morning tribe and then there’s james he’s he’s there to
to see uh everyone in the chat he’s embracing them and then he’s also
embracing james i’m not in the chat if that makes sense and and that that that will happen a lot
at fires um uh which i i love doing fires i if i had
property i’d be hosting them more now in fact guys there’s this place called skate
world and i’m seriously thinking that we should rent it
and have a skate party like a real live like rent that place and have a skate party it would be really freaking cool
maybe even for like halloween or something but anyway it i i i believe that that if we were to
make the best apocalypse ever jen it would be built on
us creating uh human connections
with more hermetical minded people that it’s not that it has to be that way but just
i believe that the gatherings of the fires and things like that are important because they
what people need the most when they’re coming out of that bacchus mindset that that spiral staircase is is some
companionship companionship the outlaw needs to find solace among
other outlaws and so any of us can do whatever we can
the moons are a good excuse to kind of call that in to call forth and say hey it’s a moon why not we do something like
this right a couple of you uh pushed it
to to my attention for this full moon and i was like oh great of course yeah so i’m really thankful that there’s
something outside of all of us that’s re reminding us and pushing us to call forth i think that it’s very powerful
magic and when you find yourself alone most of the time it’s because you’re a chief
and you just don’t know it yet you’re now a chief of something new and you didn’t know that you didn’t sign
up for that and you’re gonna spend a few weeks or years or months bitching about it probably but then eventually you’ll
be like hey why don’t i just be the why don’t i be the humanity that
everyone else is seeking why don’t why don’t i offer that in some way right and so we do and many of you have those
same kind of issues you know where you’ve got land or you’ve got an opportunity and you’re just not really
sure of course you’re not sure you’re doing something that’s never been done before we’re forging aquarius
you’re not supposed to feel sure that this is supposed to work out we’re supposed to try weird things like well i’m going to try to rent a skate world
and see if people come skating or whatever you know the internet helps a lot because we can
do things like not only dojo but with the just the shows and stuff like that but
uh that’s why i want more people interacting i want more people to be stepping up and feeling nervous
kind of like karaoke but but on this like live stream like tonight
it’s a great opportunity to feel nervous to create a trauma bond
with others who were also nervous in the same kind of ways so it’s just a great exercise to
do an excuse to exchange potlatch or energy with each
other skate world i just wanted to say because i thought
it sort of related i was thinking the other day i took my daughter to this children’s festival
locally that i’ve never been to even though it’s happened for 56 years somewhere around here and i was just
really struck because there was i knew like one person there and it’s like i could go to like a music event and know
like a bunch of people because we share that music maybe that interest in that music
but this was a children’s festival and it was just to me it was like this really awesome thing because there was
like all sorts of people there that i may never encounter in any other situation but here we all were because
we all had one thing in common that we had kids that we brought to the children’s festival i just thought it was really awesome and it was all
volunteer run and it was just just really impressive i thought um
but yeah i mean i i notice i there’s times when i definitely appreciate
more witness and like a real friend or somebody that i can be authentic with
but i also really appreciate in in my work i have to interact with people whether it’s at farmer’s market or in my
tasting room and again those are people from all over the country or wherever they’re coming from and i i have like
woofers like volunteers that come here and it’s like my way of interacting with the world but i don’t
have to go anywhere and it just it always ends up like being really uh i mean there’s times when i hate it
and there’s times when it’s just actually really beautiful because i learned things that i would never have
never have sought out myself or just the conversations that come up and i don’t
know just something i’ve come to appreciate because i’m not that social either but it gives me a little bit of social and
and then yeah just a new experience but
i i think that’s why it’s so important to choose things that aren’t your preference it’s like you’re always going to have a
really limited experience if you’re like i love italian food there’s no other food that i like in the world meatballs all night
for me you know you never know what else is out there so that’s really cool yep that’s why wasabi is so awesome
there’s there’s these flavors out there that that are hard to find because so
many people are too afraid of the authenticity oh my gosh i was in a
a men’s group in boone for like a year
it’s like post-divorce pre-james writing a book
and i had to stop going because it there was this guy lynnwood this other
guy ryan i kept offending the out of these
people in the room these are very subaru-esque liberal kind of college
town but in their 40s and 50s pretty much established they’re kind of the of
the home and the men’s group is more about just real kind of living and
it’s it’s i know i sound judgmental but it’s like i i would i would bite into
how how superficial it felt in the room all the time i was constantly telling them
that it’s like you know i get the feeling that if i was to ask you guys to howl at the moon that you’d go like
oh or something and it it it i was so hungry for something deeper that
i realized i was tearing these people apart these guys did not they were not enjoying themselves anymore because i
was i was bringing this heat and i had to i had to stop because i
like i said it it wasn’t that i was right i just i didn’t belong there i wasn’t able to
to do that and it’s the only reason why i think i started really the dojo was because
i i had a taste of what this could be like working in the wilderness camp a long time ago
and when i tried to do it in this men’s group it was just this soft ice creamy
kind of oh it’s just and they’re great people
it just was a different kind of potluck right it was a different there’s only
certain things they wanted you to bring your plate had to be this high and this wide and
you know and it needs turkey everything has to have turkey it’s just it was just a very specific kind of
thing that was allowed to be brought and and i think what made them so mad is because they they were really they were
telling each other how the opening prayer was just something about authenticity and so i was the only one i think really taking
it seriously like all right let’s do it and they were just like why oh you know why are you doing that and
that’s either going to put you out your fire out or it’s gonna make you find another
circle right and to build your own that’s what we are we’re illuminated
that’s your problem janice you’re illuminated now that’s your problem
and you’re going to only make people go ah my eyes yeah you know or you’re going to make people
go rav dig this vibe let’s make it brighter you know now we know who you are
so i think that’s why i’m so was so nervous i feel a little better now around all of you guys because i i
don’t think i’d know where to go after this it felt like i was like yes people
that get it this is really
great and that’s why it was so easy to just listen to you guys for so long and not have to say anything at all
because it just made sense for once
it’s hard you know um but you do develop a taste for wasabi for sure
and then you miss it when you don’t have it so that’s where this place comes in for me
i really miss it if i you know if there’s an opportunity to go to dojo and i’m not able to do it
i really yeah try to uh take advantage of you know make hay while the sun shines
yeah it’s like the pony express like waiting like i missed the whole
last horse oh my god i can’t believe it and it’s funny we keep saying wasabi i wrote a song at the beginning of all
this stuff called umami and i kind of want to share with all you guys somehow cause this is funny
now that it’s all about taste and anyways dang it
oh good lord no i love the dojo so much they that i
always had a clock it’s 1am no no it’s 2 am in
europe it’s really worthwhile in every moment
and um yeah i live in the wilderness of babylon you know where
the when you’re a friend of everybody and really in reality you’re a friend of no one
and politeness is uh suspicious uh in my environment uh
that’s uh advantage when i step in the in the bubble of babylon so you can
de-mess these kind of people too much politeness is uh
every time poisoning i agree ritual manners something like that
wasabi is never polite but that guacamole actually guacamole is great i don’t i
don’t need to be dissing on guacamole
not when it goes gray though yeah now when it goes gray and a lot of people
they think that’s better and you know it’s okay those people are just dumb
well that’s what we find out with each other is that we suddenly notice we’re standing next to someone and they
they are so lit that we find it painful and we say it’s too much
and we learn just as much about ourselves by being honest about that too you know by really just
really embracing where we’re at on the journey it’s it’s it’s i think you find yourself being psychopathic if you’re
looking for something as if as if well what is the purpose of the song there’s no purpose to the song the song
is is the flow it’s what it’s what you do and
that’s really it if you’re looking for something else from that something specific something
created some sort of destination you’re always going to be in watico that
state of vampirism where you’re seeking something that you’ll never find
because you’re not living you’re not alive that’s really why the vampire is infinite he lives
forever because he’s not actually engaged in the trough of the life life isn’t pulling any water across his
rudder so there’s no reflection there’s no
there’s no life to to maintain or to lose really
it’s eight o’clock we will uh close it down
and uh hope you guys will we’ll just join again we’ll uh start back in 30 minutes um actually it’ll probably open
sooner whenever uh noam’s agreed to kind of uh be the moderator of the zoom room i’m going to uh go back to the dj
station and you know i’ll spin some music and stuff like that but uh um i hope you guys will join us for a buck
moon celebration uh any any uh any final thoughts
yeah i just wanted to say that um it’s definitely the blessing of 2020 to
just be able to say whatever you want to say and so you can see who’s real and who’s
not and who gets really offended and it just gives you so much power
also i had my baby last friday oh my god
we did yeah we did it like at home and uh
brandon was the one that delivered it and you can do it then
i’m gonna bawl my eyes out that’s amazing oh god that’s a whole other thing i have to talk to you guys about
oh my god congrats that is so great awesome you know that’s really dangerous
good job that’s cool oh yeah man what a what a full
moon what a way to what a thank you oh that’s so great that’s so great is there a name
uh it’s um bencesla
[Music] she’s a girl congratulations juliana congratulations
that is beautiful thank you wow is that your first baby is that your
only is that your only baby right now that’s my second that’s my okay
and we did a placenta ceremony on sunday and we cried much and
oh man maybe on friday we’ll talk more about it so yeah please
really great oh please do yeah i i’d oh yeah
what a way to learn to witness even even to proxy that thank you
please please please bring more anyone else
all right i i tell you that’s what a way to what what a finale all right guys well
uh let’s unmute say goodbye and hopefully we’ll see you here soon in a little bit it uh

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