Dojo #225 – Oedipus Wrecks

test test test you guys can hear me right good test
good uh don’t know why my camera is not working um
okay i don’t think i’m gonna be able to
all right um um i’m gonna fix this and i’m sorry i just ran a little bit late
on the show i realized we’re already a minute late i i really need to excuse myself for a moment too
would someone like to be a mod can i actually rephrase that can someone please be a mod and if you only want to
do it for five minutes tell me i’ll do it for five minutes that’s cool too but i just need i i just i gotta take care of some
biology okay i can always do it for five minutes all right thanks we’ll be okay all right
welcome to dojo ah so this is a witness ceremony um i think
i recognize everyone here but just in case i am missing someone uh in order to speak you got two main options uh one is
to go to participants uh where you can not just start reactions where you can raise your hand or um you can just jump in and interject
um either way it’s fine uh all right it is a happy friday uh
granted i’m now on summer vacation so to me fridays uh it reminds me of that primus
line uh funny thing about weekends when you’re unemployed they don’t mean quite so much except you get to hang out with your working friends
um that’s sort of what it feels like during summer vacation for me um let’s see i don’t
see any hands uh so i i’ve been meaning to share a little bit about what has gone on with this kitten
uh that appeared a couple weeks ago on my back porch uh walking in from the forest uh next to our house
um and uh yeah there she is um and so when when she first arrived
it was right as our summer vacation was starting and it just
like i was very hesitant to the notion of keeping her uh because of how much disruption it was going to be to add a
kitten to a household that already has two adult cats and two big dogs at least big compared to her
um and i wasn’t sure how the animals would react and you know just starting in the vacation do we want to get into all this
business with the cat but at the same time uh since joining this tribe and over the last couple
years i’ve really tried to focus a lot on reading what the universe is trying to
tell me through synchronicity and reading my own gut response to the things that are
happening around me and so i tried to be patient with how i
approached the kitten in the sense that i i left open the possibility that we
would need to keep her and then i also left uh open the possibility that we were going to give her away and in fact
started doing that through gwen’s school she put out the word that we had this kitten if anyone wanted or that kind of thing and initially it seemed like
everything was lining up so that like when you think of the disney story uh where the the the beginning of the movie
they lose the mother and then they they run off and they meet the the first group is the people that give them some
respite for a while before they move on to do whatever i thought that’s what we were going to be we were going to be
that respite because someone at her school that was like the ideal candidate uh said that they wanted the cat
um but then they went on vacation for a couple weeks and so we ended up having her for
these last two weeks and so i started more ex exploring
kind of my feelings about what was happening and so i have a history with a cat that
i did not do right by the cat like i ended up taking her to the pound to kind of
get rid of her during a move that i had and it’s not some it’s something i had a lot of shame from from when i was in my early 20s
um and i kind of came to grips with that and basically did sort of penance with another cat that i fostered and then
eventually adopted uh named benny uh who i felt like was sort of my penance and he was a very difficult cat like the
reason i took him was because other people were ready to send him to a kill shelter if uh because they couldn’t handle him kind of thing
um and so when i started a stalk my reactions to this experience with this kitten i really didn’t think
it was still that shame like i’ve kind of confronted that shame i i alchemized it through benny and i i
didn’t think that was that um and we started introducing her to the other animals uh and
you know with one of the adult cats who’s the one that we thought would be fine she just hisses at her and leaves her alone and that’s what we expected
she just hisses um and then the other cat that normally is very scared of other animals uh because i guess she’s a
kitten has actually been really bold uh and been willing to like go to nose-to-nose with her and that kind of thing and so that was surprisingly good
um and i started to think about this almost like in those video game terms of like how you have bosses and then you
have the final boss that you have to beat um and i think lulu our dog that is the most possessive of my attention uh
and has been a little or has been aggressive with other dogs in the past over it actually reacted really well uh to the
kitten and me interacting with the kitten and you know has been able to been off leash around the kit and it’s
all gone really well uh and then there were other synchronous cities that started happening like i
started to um well anyway they’re it’s not worth describing them but there’s just other synchronicities started to
happen that kind of led me to realize that i think we did need to adopt a kitty and
so we are in fact adopting the kitty um and so it was just a very interesting
experience of stalking that intuition but not
like because it’s this weird paradox when you’re wanting to go with your intuition because in some ways your initial reaction is oh well in order to
go with my gut my intuition i just have to go immediately like i have this intuition and i got to go with it but i don’t think that’s necessarily
true um because what we think is our gut could also be the neocortex jumping in
and going hey i’ve got it um so i’m not sure like i felt like in this instance time
and and and more like passive reflection like i wasn’t actively trying to think it
through i was more just i’m with the kitten i’m enjoying it and i’m letting thoughts happen and
experiences happen and i’m not trying to like force that kind of one way or the other um and i feel like the fact that
we were given these two weeks were like did you did she ever get back in touch with us have you talked to her let her know so this person doesn’t even know
that we’ve decided to keep the kitten and we’re not even giving the kitten to them kind of thing and so it was all kind of
i don’t know it’s just weird it’s just interesting to me how like the more i relax into the situation
the more i feel like i allow my intuition to express itself where i feel more
confident about it in the end when i’ve reached that that decision um
anyway yeah kind of what’s been going on with me you you can’t be too serious like this
the dog star you gotta you gotta find just the right posture i think that’s awesome that you uh
even can relate that that the kitten you were doing pendants for the last kit and i think that’s really beautiful
that’s that’s it’s an animism you’re utilizing the uh
the the kitten is medicine i can’t get my camera to work and uh i
i’ve tried other cameras i i think i would have to just quit the meeting and i think that would end the meeting so if you guys are okay i’m just i just don’t
have video right now it’s all which is you know what i look like so you’re you’re fine and uh since gnome said five minutes
that’s the reason why i i don’t want to make him do that and he already did it wednesday so i appreciate
that um i don’t see any hands which is fine and
maybe it’s even a blessing that this is uh no camera
i think that when we witness our uh
i think when we witness uh pain or injury we that’s all it takes to heal
and one of the reasons why we constantly look for what why constantly we
we repeat patterns and relationships is because
we haven’t yet witnessed the part that needs to heal and the reason why we can’t witness it yet because we don’t see it clearly
enough or we don’t recognize it or we see it as something else
i’m under the impression that many times when a single mother
divorces a man and she has
their children that mother will start to groom
the oldest boy as her surrogate husband
and it’s this side of the oedipus complex that i’ve never [ __ ] seen before ever it’s never
considered this at all about how i think a lot of single mothers
divorce their husbands so that they can have this relationship
and they choose that relationship because it’s very difficult to trust
and give influence to someone besides her
or she loses confidence or whatever it is
and i only know this because i just was reading
the greek story of oedipus again i don’t even know if i ever read it i just think i always had an understanding
of what it was and i i decided to actually read it much like i did with medusa and perseus and you
just you see this typology you see this completely different level of understanding
of what’s going on that it has nothing to do it’s not that it’s not that the mother loves sexually
loves her son it’s not that the son sexually loves her mother that’s completely all that is is just
childish hanging out at the arcade talking [ __ ] about things because you’re too
uncomfortable to discuss it this is much more profound than that because it’s a
it’s an anatomical relationship to the power structure of
of a family and so this creates the golden child because
the oldest son becomes this role and the scapegoat is automatically left
out because it he becomes this pariah and i’m i’m not i’m not trying to be
impersonal i’m i’m about to get real personal i just want to set up that because
with no anger with no malice i feel like i’m looking at a
a core wound i’ve had my entire life for the very first time and never ever noticed that it was there or never was
able to even see it and the reason why i’ve had these weird disgustingly painful
problems with polyamory or with people wanting to be in a triangulation relationship with me
even the last one with that andy kaufman and that that girl
i just i’m blown away guys because i i think the entire time when i was
little i was watching my mom and my brother have this completely different
relationship they were like they were like
they were lovers but i’m not talking about sexually i’m talking about how you relate to each other the the structural
context that’s why he could do no wrong and more importantly it’s why i was
always a huge problem because i was
thinking that that mom should love me like she loves
her husband because her husband was actually my brother
like i that’s what [ __ ] confused me was that i was watching my mom treat my
brother like her husband and i never could figure out like it
took me until like [ __ ] yesterday like to figure that out like to really be like holy [ __ ]
and and i’m telling you this not because it makes me sad it makes me feel beautifully
like empowered because i like i said before to start this off you if you don’t see it correctly
it doesn’t heal it doesn’t go away you have to see it exactly for what it
is right you have to exactly see it and exactly know what it is and since corona i don’t go home
and i don’t go home because every time i’ve gone home it’s been either symbolically or physically or
emotionally like or realistically awkward like i’ve gone home and
for whatever reason everyone decided to go to bed super early and all the doors are locked
and i just i can’t get into my parents house because they’ve locked the doors even though they knew i was coming that
day like that’s just like one thing but like
when i got out of the navy i went to my childhood home
and i couldn’t get the door open
and the door opened and my english teacher was there
and i was like mrs fowler and she was like jimmy true
and i was dumbfounded because i was sitting on the porch of my home and i didn’t know that my home had been sold
and my english teacher had bought it like i don’t care that my home sold i’m not upset at that at all i’m trying to
say that i had a relationship with my mother where when your childhood home is sold
no one tells you you’re not privy
to that information and the reason why i wasn’t privy to that information oh this is so [ __ ]
was because i was trying to from my mom’s perspective i was trying
to cheat with her on my brother isn’t that creepy as [ __ ]
that’s it’s allowed to be creepy i’m not telling you that i
you know i don’t if you think that fine what i don’t even give a [ __ ] i’m just trying to clarify it i’m using this as
the context of the the connections between that that
i’m emotional because i just i wish to [ __ ] i could have told myself that when i was eight
or ten or fourteen like ugh
like it’s okay but like my high school graduation nobody came my college graduation of ik
my navy graduation nobody came i don’t actually care they didn’t come
but only when i look back in context there was like a a week-long
trip when my brother graduated from boot camp it’s okay by
the way i’m just saying it’s just when you live in that and you’ve had it your whole life it’s not okay man it’s
not okay that’s not [ __ ] cool man that’s not okay
what they did is not okay birth order’s so weird i don’t think it’s very cool either i’m watching my cousin treat her
eldest way different than her second born and i’m like really paying attention to parent-child relationships
right now obviously it’s bizarre but these people are unconscious about
um are we talking about um i don’t think uh you chimed in with it’s
not okay with exactly what he’s mentioning no respond to that
i just feel like when i’m hearing him say that it’s okay it’s like that this understanding sort
of excuses that behavior from those people and i don’t think that’s okay i don’t think that’s what he was saying
was okay wrong yeah i think you’re right gnome and i appreciate you saying that it really that was that made me stop
talking because it just really hit i’m just trying to so first of all
you’re a really good really great arrow i mean not air you know what i mean it’s really really well placed and
uh additionally that i have stopped because it isn’t okay but i also want to convey that
one of the hardest parts about this medicine is that i’ve already spent years not being angry
like just just learning about consciousness and about aperture and about like i’ve already put so many
bricks and calories into just convincing myself that it’s not personal that it’s not angry that it’s
not this it’s not that but i’ve never been able to heal because i’ve never been able to see it correctly
that this is that’s exactly why my my wife
you know cheated on me this is some really deep stuff james
this is so good and when you said it’s okay the way i took it was you’re just saying
you know you’re affirming that you’ve seen this now you’re witnessing this right that’s what i was saying as well
because it’s okay to see it i’m not and i agree with no it’s not okay in the sense of
um that’s like eroding a foundation but it’s okay to look at it from it it’s
okay to have that aperture as long as we’re um as long as we’re constructed with it
you know being conscious raising our consciousness is a really big thing but also understanding yourself and why
you know why why these things keep repeating right like grabbing fire hurts
sometimes and that’s okay and like it’s okay to have a conversation of what it
feels like to grab fire uh it like it burns and and to describe
that to to the group is amazing and i love hearing it and uh
you’re in a gr you’re in a good group for adjusting posture when
when you’re describing that it burns we hear you
well i i don’t want to like
dig into the cake too much but it’s like
i i remember just finding out one day kind of in passing that
that college was completely my responsibility and i wasn’t gonna get any help with that
and i’m it’s certainly okay it’s it only made it harder because
like the entire family has like gotten behind this idea that my brother was going to college and they like paid for
it they sent him away to school they it was just a full ride and then he
i mean he it wasn’t for him he like failed out like a year or so later and
he joined the marines which was really great for him it really it really
just i i really love my brother and uh
i get why he’s such a just a cruel [ __ ] to me and the reason why is because i was on i
was moving in on this woman like he didn’t know that i’m just telling you that
[ __ ] man i’m just telling you that’s the context of it god damn it
it’s just the context of it and this is why all the times i as a grown adult i’d be
like hey mom let’s go on vacation somewhere let’s go take a trip there was always this massive insult that she would give me
like i talked about snorkeling in key west and she was all of a sudden saying i was
trying to make her go drown because i was interested personally i was going to take a scuba course maybe while i was
there but i was all the snorkeling and biking and all this stuff and and i just at the time took it as well
mom doesn’t want to go to key west that’s all right you know and i scared her about that and and then like it was like three years
later it’s like three years later and heard my brother
they’re like biking down to key west and it’s okay that they’re going um what i mean by okay in this case
regardless of all the great points what i mean by it’s okay is i really mean it
when i say it brings me joy to watch my mom happy it brings me joy to watch my brother happy
it makes me lose complete respect for my stepfather because i realize this entire time he’s just been this [ __ ] cuck
that he’s been watching my mom have this relationship with my brother
and the entire time he’s been my role model for what for accepting it
that he’s been the male role model i’ve had in my life to just sit in that and constantly have to tell myself
hey man it’s just a graduation or it’s you know or or you can’t the reason why they’re not
going to help with college is because gary failed and if they were to pay your way through college and you were to do well it would hurt gary’s feelings
because he failed or the reason why they’re not going to help you with a car is because they ran out of money because gary
went through three cars like before you were 15. and then
it’s just i felt so deeply cheated
because i really think i could have so man people get mad when i say this but
i love where i’m at but i just need you to know i’m a pretty intelligent person and when
i when i think about what i could have done with a if i wanted to go down the college route
and do the like a real like a career like that i’m not saying i want that that’s not what i’m saying at
all i’m telling you that my whole life has just been this profound sort of like
it was because i was a bad person i was telling myself it’s because i was a horrible son
that i wasn’t allowed to have these opportunities that that others around me had and if i was
just a better person none of that [ __ ] would have happened and this is just the sand of you
but i’ve been sending since i was like 11 according to this strategy this line of thinking has had me
be a complete failure i’m talking about the the context of the posture since i was 11 which is profound
because even for my mom to tell me a failure not i didn’t have enough intelligence to
look at her and say well doesn’t that mean you’re a failure like like if i’m a [ __ ] 11 and i’m a
failure right now aren’t you a [ __ ] failure i didn’t no one would say that no one could say that because it wasn’t
i was the one [ __ ] up because i was the one that was probably pointing out the whole time at the dinner table
hey mom why are you treating him like your [ __ ] husband and who the [ __ ] why is my stepdad being a
cuck and why is all this okay and i’ll just say one more thing i’m
sorry this probably isn’t as important but there’s this really wise woman that i was engaged to
in in college she was really [ __ ] up like she’s had a lot of trauma she still does
she has an oedipus relationship with her son right now she is
uh married to her son and there’s a man in the house that she calls her husband and
he looks just like her son and i’m telling you it’s the exact same thing and the reason why i’m bringing
this up is because it’s so obvious when i see her now and shannon that’s her name
when shannon met my mom shannon [ __ ]
blew up in my mom’s presence she got so [ __ ] angry at my mom
that we had to leave in the middle of thanksgiving and i had to drive shannon home
and i’ve never had any kind of experience like that at all but she suddenly just slammed her fist out on
the table and said would you please stop emasculating my [ __ ] date you [ __ ]
[ __ ] or something it was just like horrible like it was just so [ __ ] horrible and it
clowned me because in the car driving home i was just
[ __ ] all my molecules for dilating that hadn’t been there before i didn’t know
what to think i still didn’t know what to think i know it sounds like a a weird thing to throw out but i’m trying to say
that now i can go back to that moment and really respond as to why shannon saw
that so [ __ ] clearly and was so adamant about how [ __ ] up it was
and shannon is in that exact same position right now with her son so all of this is is super [ __ ]
healing for me right now because it’s even relating to a [ __ ] conversation with karen b i had the
other day with flattoberfest that with owen benjamin that there’s just this constant barrage
of just [ __ ] up [ __ ] a lot of it’s triangulation stuff
and that triangulation stuff is i [ __ ] know why
paige hubble god i [ __ ] loved her so much and it i look out the window and there’s her
boyfriend staring at us through the window like at night while we’re having sex it’s really [ __ ] up and of course
i said no i was like what the [ __ ] is this and i thought oh my god this triangle is weird [ __ ] and they and they i think they liked it
i’ve had a lot of stories like that where little innocent bunny fufu what i mean is that i’ve never like gone out
seeking for this stuff but where i’ve all of a sudden noticed that oh i’m in a triangulation relationship gee why the
[ __ ] does this keep happening and i get really pissed when people talk about polyamory it really [ __ ] makes
me mad as [ __ ] and the reason why is because of oedipus
and i’m just really glad i see it now because of what oedipus
okay this this complex this this thing i can see
that i couldn’t see before i wasn’t seeing it clearly that’s what i mean
this is such great work james because now that you see it and if you continue to
see it it may not just be a one-shot deal you know you might have to keep looking at
it over and over but then you won’t have to act it out in life unconsciously you know you’re making
your unconscious conscious and um i mean that’s what freud to to a large
extent was about in my opinion people like to [ __ ] on him but he was on to some deep [ __ ] you’re right and this is
this is one of the things that he uh brought forth that i think people just
you know that they’re just baffled by these um stories like the story of oedipus you’re right debbie i love
[ __ ] on him as well as love loving him um i love researching him as well as
[ __ ] at him it’s funny you know james like to hear you dude like um reminds me of some of the car rides we
had together like when we went for sushi and they were driving by the college and i shared the same thing with you um
so i’ll share a little here like i shared the same thing with james i had this insecurity about uh
oh my god like what if i’m not smart enough for the world and i literally had
to marry women with phds and who spoke american college sports medicine just so
that i could feel smart and i shared this with james when i went back to college i’m like man like
everyone said like i’m like i got friends that were in mensa and then james broke down like
well what is mens i’m like right wherever right right this is like more about what we’re
seeing here you know like um psyops will continue until sovereignty
improves improves and isn’t that we’re talking about so like so we have a lot to unlearn which is
more about like what we’re up to here which is why we’re in this little like dojo right now like we have a lot to
learn let’s unlearn it together but i uh i admitted that to james uh when we uh
went by our college together like man dude like [ __ ] married girls would [ __ ] phds and [ __ ] like am i getting
a boner over the fact that they write books and [ __ ] and he’s like
yeah but you know he’s basically like yeah but you don’t need that you don’t need that i’m like um
like why shouldn’t i get a little angry right like like how dare you how dare you
but uh yeah we basically learned together so james i appreciate your authenticity
always uh i don’t know you had for breakfast today but your live stream was wet
and uh i hear you homie thanks buddy erica you’ve had your hand for a while thank you for being patient go ahead
hey guys um first of all sorry james for that kind of favoritism with your mom that’s total
[ __ ] it’s uh it’s really sick really sorry must have really
hurt to feel excluded like that anyways i haven’t been um to dojo in a
while because um um my sister’s been really sick uh my
sister has uh ms she had uh she had a home birth that
went really bad and the baby died long time ago and ever since then like the sort of
trauma of that um started ms in her body and then uh she
thinks she caught something i don’t know she’s calling it cole that i don’t know what she caught but she caught something bad over the winter
and that triggered uh an ms relapse that uh was just
i’ve never seen anything like it like it was like a christmas she was throwing parties
and like six weeks later uh she couldn’t walk she couldn’t see she couldn’t use her hands um
so like like literally to go from like being like vibrant to like being like
like an invalid like um and she has kids too right so little kids nine and 12.
so that’s been really hard right to um to watch her be so helpless to like hear
the despair in her voice to um just have to witness it and sit with it
um god it’s been so hard to watch it like and to confront the idea that like that
she might die because there was a while where it looked like she might die like she like she’s lost so much weight
because she can’t feed herself right like unless somebody feeds her she doesn’t eat right um
she spent uh like god probably almost twenty thousand dollars now on like experimental treatments and like
anything just anything and then in the end she ended up going like an even stronger medication from big pharma
which she didn’t want to do uh and that that like taking her first injection of that
it made her so sick on top of already being so sick that she literally said she that she
felt like she had a seizure for five hours like she injected herself and her body seized and it didn’t stop for for
five hours so that’s been really [ __ ] up and then the reason i’m not there today
is because my dog who’s really old she’s 14 she’s been like the family dog the dog like with
the kids and like the whole neighborhood i had her at the beach on
the solstice and she ran into the water there was a swan and he big male swan and he jumped up
out of the water and like literally landed on top of her like beat her with his wings
so she was already kind of hurt from that but she was all right and then last night she fell down the
stairs the whole flight like her hips gave out when she was at the top and she went down the whole flight
so she’s okay right like she’s um she can walk and like there’s nothing broken
um but she’s she has needs help standing up and like you can tell she’s [ __ ] hurt she’s hurting
so yeah oh and top it off like my kid just um
graduated high school my other son’s already moved out so i’m thinking like man am i confronting like an empty nest at the
same time that like my dog is getting ready to [ __ ] die you know like [ __ ]
um oh and then i guess just one positive thing is my work my work lifted all the
mandates for all the vaccine stuff so that’s over i’m safe there so that’s been just a huge relief
but there’s been a lot of other heavy stuff going on so thank you
thank you erica open witness for erica
it’s so heavy it’s just hard to even yeah it’s like one of those things where you there’s nothing to say it’s more
like a listen to you thing yeah i don’t know you know but i’m really sorry that’s
going on and also that your sister’s doing these things that she says she doesn’t want to do she
doesn’t want to take this but she’s so desperate too and i’m really sorry that’s just the
worst to watch her do these things in desperation because it’s just
you know like it’s really hard to be at peace with dying because we haven’t done it yet
but it’s okay that happens
i’m sorry thank you it’s well said gin
my my dog my dog’s going through the same thing
yeah yeah oh [ __ ] yeah he was dragging he was dragging his
back legs across the floor just yesterday it was it’s uh
i just i just want you to know i i know what you’re going through at least with that i i uh
it’s like unthinkable not to have her you know like she’s been like
yeah wait did we just lose you where where’d erica go
yeah she just disappeared oh crap just lost her connection wait
i thought i saw someone else just join but that was me i was dropped but i got back
in sorry okay
heavy times heavy times call for heavy medicine
and i was going to say instead this will be recorded this isn’t that um
there’s i think one of the biggest pains in life is watching someone you love suffer it’s
it’s almost worse than suffering yourself yep
way worse i’d rather suffer myself yeah yeah yeah definitely
i’m sorry i got kicked out i don’t know what happened but yeah i caught that like
some of the things to like to like watch like she can’t uh she can’t she can’t feed herself and like things
like um like knowing that she can’t see me like like
that like to like talk to her and like see that she can’t focus on me
that’s [ __ ] up um
and to like have her not be able to walk like uh god like she’s falling down like she’ll get up and just like she’ll just fall
like she’s the same age as me she’s a year younger than me so to watch like uh
to watch it happen so so quickly too like but in a matter of six weeks like just all systems down right
and then she spent so much money like she’s gone into [ __ ] taking out loans and debt and none of it worked
um although she’s stopped getting worse like since she started this pharma stuff that she didn’t want to take
uh at least she’s getting better like at least it’s working right
oh god you’re such a big sister you’re her big sister it’s like you’ve been helping her do everything her whole life
and now this i have a little sister too i couldn’t even imagine that’s my biggest fear i’m so sorry
and she also like she lost her baby too right like she also already had this like unthinkable like unfucking
thinkable thing happened to her like to go through that right like to go to go home and there’s there’s no baby
right like i was like so she’s already had just
just so many blows so many blows yeah it’s really it’s been it’s been
tough and she didn’t take the vaccine too right and they want her to they’ve
been pushing her to even to take this [ __ ] medicine that she didn’t want to take she had to go through this whole process
because she didn’t want to take any of the vaccines they didn’t just wanted to take these horrible coven whatever mark
of the beast [ __ ] stuff but they also wanted her to take like small pox like small pox uh um chicken pox all
kinds it was like a whole list of like vaccines they wanted her to take before they would inject her with this poison
and it was like dana they’re going to kill you like if you take all these they’re going to kill you you’re going to be dead before
you can even even think about getting better so yeah so she’s back on and that’s what
started is that she tried to come off all these horrible medicines that she doesn’t want to be on and now she’s right back on that hamster
wheel but uh i don’t know i guess at least it’s working so
i don’t know just real quick my my aunt has ms too and what i learned about it was that
it’s not like diagnosed as ms i don’t know if this is something you’ve heard but it’s more of a well it’s not this
it’s not this it’s not this it’s not this therefore we’re gonna put it in this basket i never pursued it further because you
know i’m desperate to help my aunt sharon but they won’t listen to me about anything so i’m not gonna spin my wheels
figuring that out but i just thought i’d throw that out there yeah yeah mms is very mysterious they don’t they don’t
really know and like even all this stuff like they don’t even know like like because everybody’s so different and like it
manifests you know so they don’t even know like did the medicine work or like what have you would you have gotten
better anyways like they don’t they don’t really know right and it’s like your nerves are shot that’s
kind of what it is yeah everything’s you know that’s the emotional body a lot
yeah a lot of times with uh dopamine too
and uh it’s like the chemically the body’s forcing it to
see something and their psychology is not able to and there’s a competition between which
causes those jitters i know we don’t know what it is either
but just doing my aperture research i noticed that the the dopamine issues are common in ms
that they just noticed there’s a either an abundance of dopamine or uh the inhibitors for dopamine are
actually being removed so that more dopamine is allowed to flow basically
but yeah i can’t believe how many diseases we get to call diseases that aren’t actually diseases they’re just
categories of words that we’ve collected into a box that we can check on a form it’s [ __ ] absurd
the i could even like just off the top of my head
i could even just prescribe mint because that affects your dopamine
regulation and it has manganese which is like you know that’s was like what was in spartan swords that
made them so strong but you can do metallurgy for your blood too you know
anytime it’s with iron so you could just like eat mint
something simple like that’s not even included just anybody that has a
as a garden would maybe know that but um you know just what you said you know
you could just hey mint does that it could do something as simple as that
that’s awesome is your system also in canada yeah yeah she just lives about a half
hour away from me she’s uh i’m in toronto and she’s in new market yeah i’m only asking i don’t know the laws in
canada but i thought cannabis and cbd were also possibly helpful for ms symptoms
yeah she has a like a med it’s legal here now but before it was she had like a medical card for it
yeah she uses it a little bit yeah i’d be curious to know what happened six weeks ago is that what you
said it started six weeks ago no it happened months ago but it within
six weeks at christmas she was fine and then six weeks later like all systems down but she caught
something like she got some kind of sickness and uh after that she just like it was just a
cascade um yeah just just recently i would say in the
last maybe three or four weeks she started to slowly improve like the
like the the the downhill spiral stuff she has the kind of ms where it’s like relapse remitting right comes and goes
right um but this this relapse like she’s never had anything like this before but it was
like she was gonna die um
yeah yeah i feel your sister sister like she’s irreplaceable to me
like the the thought of like the future without her in it like whoa right like
um i sometimes if you can get a hold of a story you know something that’s
deeply bothering her you know or like james said something with the aperture there’s something she
doesn’t want to see you know i’m no expert on this i agree like a splinter
in her soul i think it’s from the loss of her son yeah
she says that she says that after that happened after he was born dead like that like he came out dead like that
um that she hated her body so much for having that happen
right um and then she was also in a very abusive toxic relationship where instead of like
them being able to come together and like grieve that together it was like [ __ ] just the the cruelty and the
viciousness from that man onto her after that baby died
like uh like when she saw a naturopath about her ms the naturopath said to her what you need
to do is change your relationship you don’t need medicine for your ms you need to get him out of your life
um so he’s out of the he’s out of the picture now but you know i guess once once you have
something like ms i mean you know now you have it right
yeah anyways thanks for we don’t know did she have her other two children
before or after the baby that died after okay
because i think everybody that’s saying like something triggered that that trigger unless it’s resolved she it’s
going to be very hard for her to heal no so the more she might want to look at
what happened right around christmas yeah i think in that period
who knows she might have seen the first guy or something that just triggered it but she’s shut it down
good for you and i know how hard it is erica and my heart goes out to you
thanks for sharing with us so we can quick catch up with you
erica i really feel you um i i’m i’m glad to see you and i’m especially glad to see you because when someone when
you’re in a situation like this it’s very easy to pour everything into helping that other person which it sounds like you’re doing a lot of but
being here shows me that you’re still finding some time for yourself uh which is awesome um so i just
yeah just love you good luck thanks
so you had your hand up i i i kind of enjoying that i can squirm
by calling you out now but uh
i did have my hand up but i didn’t want to um change the subject on jen because what
she’s going through is very important for her to to go through right now so
um i just had a comment about what you were saying james you know that none of that is you
you know that your brother reminds your mom of her first husband who she’s still
in love with which is your natural father you know that she married
your father now larry because he was handy and he was going to
do what she wanted him to do you remind your mother
of her father so much and he had so many issues with him
when he passed away 90 of this is not you what you what she
put you through it’s that you reminded her so much of your grandfather
you realize that well without actually knowing jim my
grandfather it’s it’s it’s hard for my body to know that at all because i
i don’t really remember or i haven’t witnessed any of that you know so
she had unresolved issues with your with your grandfather when he passed away she
wasn’t even talking to him so you remind you remind me so much of him
to begin with um your mannerisms your intelligence
all of that um she couldn’t deal with her father
how is she going to deal with you is what i’m trying to say [Music] she would have to learn how to deal with
her father first in order to help you
and she’s not ever going to do that because she’s 11 years old you’ve got to remember that yeah
can i ask who is sue are you part of james’s family obviously it sounds like
you are sue good to see you
sort of um my mother and james’s grandfather lived in sin
eight years um so he calls me his aunt and when i correct him he gets upset with me so i’m
his aunts i’ll answer the question that way okay thank you
yeah surrogate ant i didn’t know what that word meant when i was 12 so i didn’t use it yeah
it was surrogate yeah sue’s been able to see all the the dining in fact
my mom and i don’t think my mom and sue actually talk now they’re very true yeah
and i didn’t mean to pull that out but no that’s fun
yeah it’s again you’ve got to remember your mom doesn’t deal with
deal with any type of people well she doesn’t communicate with people
she doesn’t know how to tell people how she feels so how can she talk to you
how can she talk to me she’s going to have to do that know how to do that in order to talk to
me so it’s just easier to avoid you so that she doesn’t have to deal with it
she doesn’t have the energy for that well if any of you are wanting to
incarnate someone into a body that really makes you develop your emotional
intelligence and empathy i recommend my mother it’s a fabulous
really awesome stargate to really fine-tune your instruments on because that’s really been
what it’s been like for it’s been that way before i realized that that’s how it was i’ll put it that
way and uh yeah let me get our number
we are we are forged in uh in in things like these
and my brother i’ve always thought was just really
just [ __ ] cruel because he would always just laugh at the favoritism
even in his 30s and 40s it just it was just funny he just really enjoyed it
and i don’t know if he really enjoyed it but he he wanted to display that he was really enjoying it and it’s not until i
really look at this oedipus thing like i have that i can
i’m just really able to witness more just all of it i guess just like
like all of it and i since the corona i
i don’t i don’t really want to go there anymore to visit them and i don’t and i don’t
i don’t actually feel guilty i feel horrible while i’m not there but it’s just
because i’m like learning how to not be there it’s like i’m learning how to not make myself feel but it’s not like i
don’t feel guilty for not going i i would feel awful if i was there because i would be hanging out
my brother got a dui in florida and moved back to home to atlanta moved in
with my mom i should say not home i keep calling it home and it’s not and he lived there
for like maybe two years maybe maybe a year and a half i’m not sure but he really turned his life around it really
helped him out and the whole time i always thought that i had a bedroom there that i had a room
that my mom would always say well you always have a room here that’s why we keep this house so you guys will always have a room and
after my divorce i lost my career i was about to lose my house i
bought this [ __ ] rv i thought i was gonna have to move into an rv all that came because i
i came home and i was like hey mom i i uh i need to move in here for a while is
that okay i and i told her my plan i i’ve got this first book out but i want to write this
other book if i shut down all the utilities i think i can save the house because i could just make mortgage payments i just need
to get caught up and i think it’s going to work out and she said no
she said well we’re going to have to build you a special room under she didn’t say special but she wanted to build a
separate room under the porch outside in the backyard so i could stay in there like that was
the only way she could see me being there and my mom owns a
three-bedroom two-bath house three stories
and she always said well we’ll only keep this house so you’ll have a place to stay if you ever need it
so i don’t want to go there because i i end up gutting myself it’s why whenever i would come home for christmas i would
come i’d be like depressed for weeks because i hung out in that like i sat in that
hot tub of just weirdness and [ __ ]
that’s actually shocking under the porch that is shocking
i couldn’t believe that she had said that and my my dad is just like well that’s your mother huh and you’re just
like her ha ha as he walks away and i’m just like i
that’s not me at all but anyway it’s you neither one of you are alike
gary and you and your mom are alike oh thank you for saying that that’s great you’re not like your mother at all
i’m sorry i interrupted i have kind of a similar thing only it’s
i’m like if i use that oedipus model i like jilted my mother like she’s
the jilted lover because i refuse to be the the older son
after she right shined all her energy on me and then
[Music] and then just to like
you know and then i just haven’t uh it’s like this petrified road of apathy
that i tread it so many times and when i realize i never get home you know it’s
the same thing you just be you’re just slowly like removed um like
all of a sudden it’s like well let us know when you want to come over and we’ll you know it’s like it’s not like come
over and eat whatever you want out of the fridge anytime anymore or anything like that and so
then they decided to treat my my ex-wife as their
their daughter then so that it would be super weird for me for years and years and like just
provide every support that that i never got wow yeah and then my
younger brothers and this weird thing like where you know he’s the younger brother but
then he’s like hey wait a second where’s my you know and so now he’s the one
you know he’s the the lover right he’s the one who arranged everything
and then here’s this just this uh but you know i know what you’re getting at it’s like
you should you should feel bad you feel like you should feel bad like you should try you should
continue to like stick your finger in the socket but you know
but it’s not like a socket it’s like a it’s like being electrocuted and being stuck on the ground you know you just uh
you how do you break through that that energy just you know this explains a lot
just that’s really what what helps the most is that explanations is just seeing the
just seeing the truth more now that that really i was threatening my brother’s territory by trying to be close to my
mom and he was responding with violence because he didn’t want me messing with his woman
and it’s so sick and so enlightening at the same time it’s just like holy [ __ ] that just
happened and there’s no [ __ ] way i can go come back i can’t go back to my house and say
so mom let me tell you about oedipus it’s and i know that because these are things i’ve
already tried you don’t think i [ __ ] try this with my mom you guys know what i say how i say it of course i’ve tried this with my mom there’s no [ __ ] way
this [ __ ] works these moms are just so unconscious they’re just totally oblivious
that’s what makes it so frustrating you can’t heal with them yeah and then you got to do it on your own it doesn’t
matter how honest and straightforward and like excited you are about figuring out what is wrong
like i figured it out isn’t this great we’re going to do it together exactly yeah
i used to bring her bring information to her like that like guys guess what i figured out and it’s like oh my god what
did you it’s like a cat who brought in a live bird into the house right and you’re like why are you mad at me yeah
look at what i did do you know how hard this was it’s like it’s like a flying thing i did it for us
anyway linda go ahead that’s what i’m curious about is just
go ahead carla finish your sentence there carla
oh yeah well i mean having having this awareness some some of us are willing to
take the time to have awareness like you are and figure these things out
because our minds just necessitate that and then it so what it makes me curious about is all
the other people that that don’t do that and and and the
just i guess the repercussions of that and curious about how now that you do feel like you’ve figured
this out i mean you’ve already had some boundaries with your mom and some realizations about um you know what’s
what’s possible or not possible but has is do you feel like there’s going to be any other
changes from this um i think all the changes
if any changes come it might be that that i may have hope to be in a [ __ ] relationship where i don’t wake up and
there’s a goddamn triangle in the bed with me again you know look like i see maybe the potential for
that i don’t see any potential for the relationship clearing with my mom this is i think why i was saying it’s
okay it’s okay meaning that i genuinely am pleased and happy that my brother is
healthy and that my mom and him have that relationship right now because when i’m in my mom’s presence
she physically will start shaking sometimes because i’ll say something that upsets her and i won’t know but
it’s i make her feel very uncomfortable a lot and my brother
makes her feel very comfortable a lot so to me i don’t see the purpose or the
constructiveness of even trying to heal that especially where my mom is physically with her health i think it’s
better that i support her relationship with my brother and never intrude into
that triangle again because now i finally understand my boundaries i i totally get it now so i guess it
will help in that way but it’s not going to really help bring anything closer it’ll more just make me feel better in
the harbor you know yeah uh where i’m at resolution in your own mind all about me
none about them right like it’s not even their business really it’s all it is it just helps me have a better posture
when i think about my brother because my brother’s a a beautiful great awesome
guy like he’s he’s my hero like i don’t want to dislike my brother i don’t want to dislike my mom
and i don’t have to because i can witness the truth of what it is
he doesn’t want to dislike you either like even like the dichotomy between you two it’s like
it’s milder your older brother and my older brother are the same person and it’s funny that they’re both
electricians as well yeah yeah it’s just kind of weird like yeah what’s mine is mine was james this is
james and uh here’s a couple of james is here it’s it’s just weird like i don’t know
i’m gonna shut up but we’ve talked about this yeah linda thank you so much for being patient
glad you’re here thank you too thank you um you know i
i think we all have traumas with our parents somehow obviously it’s
part of life i mean i was my mother’s least favorite daughter
and i guess maybe that’s because i was the rebel i was the one who was never gonna
[ __ ] do what you told me to do mom and that’s just [ __ ] it
and if she said no that was yes and i went out and did it didn’t matter how much trouble i got into how much
anything she’d look at my hair and she’d say do something with your hair you can’t go
out looking like that and you can’t go out dressed like that and you know all these kinds of things like that so we
wonder these wounds inside of ourselves how we’re not sovereign how we don’t feel
good about how our posture our electricity how our cockpit is filled or not filled or where present or evacuated
and you know my sister i’m the oldest and um
i’m sorry here
and and my sister so when i turned 16 not only could i not go to the beach
with my friends on the bus or do anything my mom was so strict with me
um so i couldn’t drive or anything until i was 18 18 and then when my sister my
youngest sister turned 16 my parents bought her a car so there’s all these kinds of things
that happen and then we build up these stories about our life and we always are wanting
to be the storm the star of our story it’s our life it’s our story
and so eventually we have to let go of our
stories because there are the things that separate us from our wound and how we really get into this
deeper place and so i’m sharing when my mom died a few years ago
i’m her least favorite daughter all my other sisters are gone and so there i am
stewarding my mom to her death through through this process it was a nine-day process and it
was the most amazing experience i’ve ever
been to and just for all of you and and you too
james and and the pain that we can feel from our childhood wounds and
things like that i mean what happened is that all that was left
there between me and my mom was the love
all those other things faded away in into
nothing because they’re nothing and a little like you say james you know
everything is here for our enlightenment for our awakening for us to be able to see more deeply into the
truth of who we are and to let go of our false beliefs and our illusions so
it was very incredible to me that i hated my mother i [ __ ] hated my
mother i i couldn’t i didn’t want to be in the same room with her we were always fighting we’d have horrible fights my
dad would rescue me so to speak um
but what was incredible to me was to feel love
from my mother and from me to my mother
what an amazing gift that after all of that time after all of these 70 years
i actually freaking love my mother i was grateful to her for
all the things because i would have never been the person i am without her without me having to rise up
into myself to combat the issues that you know my my rebel
self brought to to the table and so
you know i’ve had many experiences where she’d say you can’t go out looking like that and then people say oh you look so
great so my hair it’s a silly thing but it’s so symbolic that your hair is some
kind of power something i mean there’s something about hair and the natives have this thing with their long hair and
stuff and so i’d always hide my hair and then never wear it down and the curls and i try and
straighten it and make it all these ways and uh when i was a chef
you know i was wearing my hair up in in my hat you have to do that and then at the end of the night
when we’re sitting around the bar having to drink whatever i take my hat off it’s like oh my god people would want to
touch my hair like that it was just an amazing
thing i’m just trying to share that
eventually the synchronicities of life show us the truth of who we are if we’re really
willing to look and burn in the fires and see those things in ourselves all things
get resolved so i just wanted to share that
some good stuff linda yeah i thanks linda for saying all that and i
guess i just want to give james encouragement because you are
who you are today which you’ve got a lot of fans and people that love you and you wouldn’t be who you are today without
your past i appreciate that carla thank you yeah it’s kind of what i meant by
it’s okay because it’s uh where what linda was talking about with her mom i i uh
i’ve had that with my mom for a while and i think that’s why i was precursing this with it’s okay
yeah the things i’m saying don’t make me mad at my mom the things i say help me to see my mom as a little girl
i can see her as a little girl now right when we break through the stories that
we have when we when we’re able to break through
into that place of truth the freedom and the liberation that comes from that you
know is so profound and it’s so worth it and then we have
thanksgiving and gratitude yeah you know and it depends where you are in
yourself how you’re treating this um there’s a time for red belt here too i
mean you can it sounds like linda it sounds like you spent years hating your mother
and that in the end enabled you to you didn’t have it in your system all
the time i mean i mean you did have it you were letting it out throughout the years and then when you you were in
those final moments with your mom you were you were clean you know so you could experience
what was beautiful there yeah so i think uh the anger has a place the
hatred has a place we can’t just gloss over it you know
you’ll miss it if you do i also think what’s profound is like understanding that uh
you know uh sitting in the cockpit of a child you’re looking at what you think is a superhero
but realistically you’re looking at someone who had the same synapses you did and that uh both the two they were
trying to discern who they were and maybe portions of their identity was formed
and uh they’re you’re literally looking at kind of sometimes a child that uh
is walking through it is like uh there’s there’s no manual there’s no
manual to life they’re literally discerning it in real time trying to
make it up as they go along and you’re looking at you know sometimes a child that’s
that’s trying to discern reality and now they’re they’re trying to do the best for you
that they can or know how to and i think it does by spirals deep into
childhood yeah i can really i can really you know see that i positioned myself as
this adversary like even you know like refusing the
role of the of a golden childhood uh
older eldest sibling and then you know like my friends would come over
and my mom’s like you know well your friends are over here they’re gonna have to be my friends and that was just too
much it’s like no my friends and so i what i did was i sabotaged their
their trust in her and i i you know purposely
painted her is probably a little more mean than she was and i poisoned like i i poisoned this ripper kool-aid that she
served trying to entice everybody with some pickled juice once and you know just things like that and so i can see
that i carefully position myself to refuse this role till i you know i wore down like a wild animal that just
couldn’t be you know and just you know so it’s really
it’s really me you know and if i was her you know i wouldn’t have been
as strong as she was you know so i uh i have to
respect that somebody that can be that stoic and position themselves against
somebody who just refuses to you know and so it’s even it goes deeper
than jilted it’s just like it’s like never accepting this role and
maybe we all can go deep into our childhood in those ways that psychiatrists talk about i guess that i
don’t really know about but i can see that it um you know
it really it really is me even though i was a child like i did it that’s just you know it’s the way i position myself
and i can neither um i can’t feel bad about it because there’s nobody
to blame you know there’s no one to blame
that’s an interesting perspective pie and sometimes i think maybe we don’t hear enough from older
children thanks for sharing that yeah sorry to interrupt but
it’s you know it’s breaking out of our stories because again that that’s
so much about everything is the stories that we carry about ourselves and our lives and how we are and
and when we can let go of that and get down into the deeper juicier part of it
that’s that’s when we’re when we’re liberated you know
i witnessed a moment my mom and my sister the other week um i
always like i’m the oldest but i always felt like my sister was really the golden child like i always felt really
inferior to her yeah um and now that she’s so sick right like
she would give anything to have my body like to look like you know like i always thought she was prettier than me better
than you know um as i witnessed this moment between my sister and my mom or my sister she can’t
really walk right so she was she was getting up and she had her cane and my mom kind of came up behind her and just
took her put her put her elbow through just grabbed my sister’s hand right it just was just this little tender moment
like and then my sister kind of looked at it with this gratitude they just kind of shared i witnessed it
and it just pierced my heart like i got in the car and drove home and i just [ __ ]
like fall you know like any inferiority like any like i just
gone out the window like in the face of like sickness and death you know and like i just the gratitude because my my
mother has been a hero to my sister a [ __ ] hero because she just lives around the corner
like i’m about 45 minutes away anyways just to add to it just
so many different angles of these family dynamics
no go ahead buddy so i totally hear you james when you talk about like seeing this new dynamic
and and understanding better how to approach it in a sense uh but i do wonder and not trying to change it now
but i do wonder if there’s a window of opportunity when your mom passes with you consciously understanding this
dynamic in the way that you support your brother during that time like i wonder if there’s a way for you to inject a new
dynamic into your relationship with him once she’s gone um so anyway just wanted to throw that
out there yeah it’s where did you bring that up
it’s really weird only since corona
has it occurred to me that that i think that probably what’s gonna happen after my mom dies is my brother’s
probably gonna physically assault me at some point
and i don’t think it’ll be a conscious thing i don’t think he’s gonna wake up and say i have nothing better to do i’m going to go hunt down my i don’t think
that’s going to be it at all i think it’s going to be an epigenetic thing i think it’s going to be alcohol induced
and just to be completely frank i don’t know how i could respectfully be in his presence after so
much abuse that just kept happening for so long that was always normalized i don’t know how to hold myself in the
right posture around him in that and still keep it as like a
it’s not even at the point where i forgive my brother because i don’t even think that my brother robbed me
i think that my brother was responding to the oedipus
and defending his woman because his woman was saying you have to defend me
from your little brother your little brother’s going to try and take you away from me it sounds [ __ ] sick but i’m
just this is what was happening every day at [ __ ] home
and the times that i would be like can we talk my brother into not physically
assaulting me the answer is no we’re not going to do that but i will tie his hands behind his back and the
two of you can go have a death match and you can try and get some revenge
so as a child that was my retribution that was my defense is that if i wanted to physically assault my brother i was
given an opportunity because his hands were tied behind his back and that’s not what i wanted to do i
wanted my brother to stop [ __ ] hitting me i didn’t want an opportunity to hit him back
i wanted it to stop and there’s so much i know some of you probably already
detected wow james has like really [ __ ] proved when it comes to alcohol and one of those reasons why is because
my home life is saturated with alcohol it’s just
seeping in it and every day at four o’clock the the liquor begins and because you can’t
see through it because you can see through it it’s vodka you don’t even know it’s there
just looks like grapefruit juice it’s just grapefruit juice
and it’s my medicine it helps my back feel better or it helps this feel better and that’s my brother too
and i don’t know how to be around those people and absorb all that violence and not become
violent myself through a retribution the few times i tried to because i’m such a [ __ ] go-getter
the few times that i tried to defend myself were horribly salacious and dramatic so
much to the point to where i was not going to be defending myself anymore because of how
violently i would speak out and say i don’t want verbally violence against me and so it’s this whole
i guess i’m trying to say that i believe that probably the most proper posture to have
is to continue to hold my brother in a light of respect much as if i was to have rescued a
[ __ ] bobcat and i’ve got a bobcat here in my house i would not have a bobcat in my house a that’s what i’d do
first and b i could go visit the bobcat i could go eat a sandwich next to the cage
that has a bobcat but i this is what it is and i think that maybe the reason why my
mom had or felt she had to replace my biological father
could have been because of his own violence i don’t know i don’t i’m not privy to these things
the times that i’ve asked about my father i’ve been told how selfish i was to hurt my stepfather’s feelings
and when my father died and my mom found out that i didn’t tell her my mom yelled
at me that was her way of sharing with me that my father died as well why the [ __ ] didn’t you tell me sooner or whatever
it wasn’t a hey son you lost your father it was a why the [ __ ] didn’t you tell me
why couldn’t this be my drama to distribute who gets what’s empathy when
every reaction from my brother and my mother has been emphasizing and re-emphasizing the fact that this is my
territory and you are subservient
you i wasn’t really a child i was more the third wheel in their
relationship and so you know i don’t know how to
i don’t know if there’s anything else to alchemize is what i’m trying to say except for just to hold that and understand that’s what it is
and to work and sharpen all my empathy for understanding and compassion
the old definition of the word compassion for my brother and understanding why i would do the same thing and i’ll tell
you i say this all the time to myself if i would not be able to survive the situation was reversed i would not want
to be my [ __ ] brother at the [ __ ] all holy [ __ ] no no no no no i do not want
that i will not do that i that sounds awful that’s a prison to me
so i feel very fortunate with the gauntlet as it was and exactly
as it came out that’s why i’m recommending if you’re looking for a vitriolic uh
miracle grow if i got the stargate for you holy [ __ ] but you gotta go second
you can’t go first you’re gonna hate it if you [ __ ] go first so to me that’s as healthy as i can make
it yeah realizing that um
you’re better off being a happy orphan than uh you know pretend you have a mother yeah and i [ __ ] love me i love
i love how i’ve been able to i love where i’m at i hate the triangulation it’s definitely
[ __ ] it’s hurting my feelings the girl i gave my virginity to same thing with my best friend it was just constant
and that shows you how powerful my magic is because i’m constantly putting out i call forth a triangle from the world
send forth a beautiful woman call forth a man that was temporarily my
friend and then it’s just the same magic over and over and over again i i probably five times
in my life where i’ve found myself in a relationship where what the [ __ ] and that’s what’s going on
so that’s why this is such a huge thing for me personally to realize this
oedipus thing it’s just it’s blowing my [ __ ] mind in a very happy dilating way
matt go ahead uh thanks um
you know i think there’s probably a few people that don’t
have that process or the thoughts of if my childhood would have just been this
or just been that and mine was
kind of the opposite of james where i had my parents had lost a
child sudden infant death syndrome at about eight months before i was born
and uh so they smothered me
with with their version of love and
uh you know i it was it probably at least three cars i’ve totally had totaled at times or
wrecked that got replaced and things like that and
um like my brother and sister both
they they kind of taught them about money it made them responsible and they they never did that with me
and it was not a good thing and
so a few a few years ago i got into some stuff with
the law and driving and so i stopped driving and i’ve been you know i do so i do a lot of walking now and
ubers and lifts but i gotta notice the other week that the
case or the you know that the case had been it’s been expunged and thrown out
because the cops never sent in any evidence so it’s going to be a much easier path for
me to start driving again and this time it’s going to be
something that i’ve you know work for and paid every
uh inch of the way it’ll be something that i’ve achieved on my own
when i start driving again and i bet you i’m going to appreciate it a lot more than i ever did before because i i mean
at the end of july i’m going to be 60 and this will be the first time i’ve ever you know paid for the whole
car and whatnot on my own and um
i wanted to say to erica um i have a kind of a friend
at work where i’ve i’ve returned to kfc for a fourth time i’ll probably be
staying because it’s now i’m just up front on the register and it’s so much better situation and
they’re the only ones who don’t lie about the hours but i have this friend there who
he uh he had a son die who the son was about
around 25 or 26 and he this person
they tried to they tried to take their own life two or three times after that
because they felt so such desperation and hopelessness
you know as you can imagine and um so i’m just
was thinking about the the loss of the her child that may be
in mixed in with everything else maybe she has some survivors guilt or you know whatever that is and
i don’t know if there’s some way to kind of help her with that or translate
that to her but i mean i i know we all feel
feel you on on going through that with a with a sibling um
and uh yeah i think that’s it thanks
thanks thanks matt thanks open witness anyone
well i think a good point james for you and matt and for erica and all of us is what you’ve been
what you’ve been teaching so long i guess is it’s like this all stuff is all happening below the surface this whole
relationship stuff is not conscious in these people and your mother and and
um in these situations and it’s and that’s why posture is so important
because it’s again we don’t respond to it with a neocortex either it’s posture and uh
it’s all happening at this at this other level and that’s exactly this trauma’s the ms is definitely it’s all trauma
rooted and it’s all until that energy is it’s it’s bad signaling from
the wrong message taken from the trauma so it’s it’s all below the surface so
just wanted to kind of bring that up that’s why i call it prana economy because it it’s there and
there’s nothing you can do to change it all you could do is tap it there’s something to change it you can tap into
it and once you tap into it i think the witness witnesses the reins right as soon as you
witness something it’s profound when you witness something accurately
that’s all it takes and we’re in this world where we think well after you witness it then you got to go get the medicine for it and no
no you really don’t last words we’ve got two minutes open mic
one real quick thought yeah please i’ve been wanting to talk to you guys about this and we can just
table it but it really has to do with all of this i think on parasites like mind-bending parasites i’m not talking
about like demons like alcohol or anything i’m talking about literal parasites that find their way into
a mouse so that the cat kills the mouth so that the parasite could live in the cat [ __ ] and
it happens in nature so much and i’m like you know we talk about getting getting our hands on the reins and i’m
just like how much control do we actually have and what is who do we think we are
so i just i don’t know that kind of trips me out [Music] i don’t want to talk sometimes it with
you guys with parasites just like if i can squeeze it in here there’s a lot of just
uh assumptions right scientific assumptions and i’ve been doing a lot of questioning of that whole world and
um just one anecdote is with with dogs dogs are actually born with worms like
they’re it it’s just theoretically i mean this is what i’ve read and it makes sense to me is
that it’s coming through the milk of the mother and you can think of it as a puppy it hasn’t defined its
walls yet it hasn’t defined you know it’s selfhood it’s inside from the outside and that these so-called
parasites are just potentially filling a niche digesting food that wouldn’t be digested you know that they’re serving a
function and as the dog matures and finds itself and finds its intestinal boundaries so to speak that there’s
going to be a shedding that will occur and there’s all there’s you know life has these phases in these cycles and
chickenpox theoretically is another example of just kind of a a cycle of shedding when the skin is thin the
body’s going to push out toxins that kind of a notion so just mainly i’m just saying we got to question even the
concept of a parasite yeah but uh yeah cool when we die your body turns into
a bunch of maggots and i really think if you look at how you’re phased your your identity is in a
phase of human and as it weakens and deteriorates it shows its true other
phase the lower phase of this parasitic worm and that the parasites are actually us
the power of of our will is so powerful that it can create living creatures
and these creatures are inside of our intestine and we create a symbiosis with them
great topic we got to do a whole thing on this i really want to talk to you guys about it yeah
let’s let’s do that great stuff great topic yeah and as far as last words uh jen danny um how dare you and uh great
dojo love you guys i love this dojo i love this dojo so much
and the friday on kind of a light note did anyone else catch the sink where when james started talking about living
under a porch it started reminding me of harry potter we’ve got a guy with an owl sigil that’s forced to live under the stairs
with the golden child of her brother i see it now
where the other two get together that’s hilarious thanks wow all right thanks
thanks voldemort yeah we’ll talk to you guys have a great one
bye thanks everyone love you guys

Leave a Reply