even in my house my daughter i think i i raised my children the way i was raised it’s like i’m not
she knows she’s not gonna open my handbag and and and go through my things in my handbag
this is this is not something uh it’s too just like i will not go to her handbag or my son’s uh uh whatever and
look what he has in his handbag it’s like a mutual respect it’s it’s his private thing it’s his uh it is
it is a personal thing i don’t know if i answered uh charlotte yeah i i was just um
equating the two because um i think about sometimes the things that i keep from my kids emotionally
um i don’t ever intentionally not show something because i want to protect them
like i i deal more with wanting them to see more and so all of these writings
that you talk about i’ve just started leaving all of my notebooks all over the house and if they’re that nosy
and you know they think they’re going to fight then so be it is kind of it so it was a question for myself as well i was
just curious if you um if you felt like maybe you should share
more of your emotions with your kiddos or not oh i felt my emotions but i still have
if i don’t allow them to go and look it’s i’m like you i leave my things i don’t lock the things i leave everything
open yeah i live everything there but they know it’s mine it’s like it’s like i don’t have i don’t need to put it in a
in a in a coffer or in a closet and lock it and keep the key everything is open
but there is this respect of territory i do the same with my daughter’s room i
never go to her room and look in her things and this is no no and my son also i mean i respect their privacy even if
it’s in the open i’m i will never go and and look in here in their things if they
want to tell me something they have they come and tell me but if if they don’t tell me i don’t need to to to
to know it and they have to yeah the thing
now i’m saying this i remembered like a thing with the thing with what was
thrown away with it that belonged to us i cried a lot when i came back to munich
i cried uh and i was depressed because uh thinking about the things i lost i
was thinking so many things have been lost now i know since i found photos and i found things in this garbage bag that
were not thrown away who knows what was there and and and
is lost forever and then i convinced myself uh i convinced myself that i have what
i’m supposed to have whatever i found here this is what i am supposed to
have the other things i’m not supposed to have them so i did my uh
i did my uh how do you say english when you [Music] yeah
when someone dies and you go through i don’t know don’t work in english
thank you so i i was i went through brief over this things lost and i convinced myself
okay i was not supposed to have the money anyway since they were lost whatever i found in
the house is what whatever i was supposed to find and have so and convinced myself and i could i
was able to sleep better after that you know it’s it’s been hard it’s been
hard yeah the integrity of her house is is is part of the death the
the integrity being uh breached like it has
and now you’re you’re you’re seeing you’re breaching her dignity too
which is what happens when when when someone dies we just talked about this in hospice the first thing that happens
in hospice is it’s a fight for your dignity and once that dignity lets go it’s really hard for the
ego the the i i mean real life your actual living i am to want to survive
because it doesn’t have this built up what we think is shame is this self dignity it’s
uh it’s the saturation of purity of who we are not not other people so i i think
you’re touching on it and it’s it’s very healthy there’s also two different
just like we wear uniforms you know a parent wears the role of parent and so inside the field of vam
there’s another membrane and that membrane is his mother and that same membrane changes to
daughter and so we have different membranes that form and coagulate around us based on
our fashion our uniforms and our roles these are all the same they’re all electrically exactly the same and when
someone dies you’re stepping inside that for the very first time
and that’s the meaning of death be not proud there’s there’s no room for pride
there’s no room for dignity a homeless person will smoke a joint on top of it
it’s it’s this is what life is it’s loss it you know dignity is the beating i am i’m
going off on a tangent here and there’s other hands up but i’m just i really feel you i really do you know you know
james when um when i learned that my brother allowed this friend to come and to um to allow
this friend to just go okay some people came they didn’t know my mom
they didn’t know us and they stole um sacked everything
did whatever they wanted to do in this house they didn’t have any connection with us so my brother contacts this girl
and he tells her go and empty the house blah blah blah he did not have the respect of his
mother and i was so angry i felt and i told him that on the phone i he and he he said that i was a bouquet
of hatred when i told him whatever i’m going to tell you he said america is a
bouquet of missions in fresh it sounds very poetic but it hurts so much he said
you are a bouquet of hatred because i told him um i told him you know uh you what you
just did you just someone came and destroyed it’s like someone came and destroyed your mom’s grave
and your friend came you told her oh can you go and clean up and don’t don’t forget to throw the bones with it
and he was like so shocked he said oh you’re such a bouquet of hatred and i said take it the way you want it
and i hung up on him and i haven’t spoken to him since then because i do not want to speak to him i keep i spend
my life uh excusing this brother yeah and actually you’re teaching him
you’re actually teaching him sanctity and you’re just you’re just slapping him right in the face with the board
and this is exactly why he’s here that’s why it’s why you’re his sister
well done you’re you’re he’s here to to make my uh my he’s
he’s helping me but he’s helping me being angry yeah yeah he’s helping you
to hold anger too to hold that field of anger to feel okay with that anger just like you’re helping him to show him what
the dignity means and why there’s this invisible thing called dignity and how it works and how the field works so
that both those are hard lessons both of you were on the mat with each other there yeah
debbie go ahead sounds like a daunting experience but
really great so much in it and it’s great to see you angry and to hear how you spoke to your brother
that’s a really good boundary that you just drew there and um
if that sounds to me like progress you know in your fields or in your belts
let’s put it that way um and just the subject in general um
over the last years i found myself starting to go through my own things in the light of
that i’m not no longer here and that it’s my daughter going through that my
stuff and it’s a great way to get rid of because you just don’t want somebody to have to
do that you know any more than then is necessary i mean you need certain
you know things to live but it’s i think um at at least at my age it’s a it’s a good thing to do
and in terms of the as far as the guy in your bed the three bears story
sounds like um maybe some saging might help at least
the ritual of say you know burning sage oh you did that okay okay
that’s the kind of disinfecting i like to do personally that seems to um
at least it makes me feel better whatever it does energetically it seems to help yeah so
anyway i was saying thank you debbie uh the first night i was saying okay i can feel
you here but you know okay you shared my bed but you can go now i need my bag back
it was feel it was weird you really i don’t know it was really weird but now i i feel like my the house is
back uh the smells are back um yeah
yeah i sprayed my mom’s perfume the other day and it was nice to smell her
perfume in the house so it was i speak with her sometimes and i speak with my dad and i
say my mom because my dad passed away 25 years ago so my mom was the last one that lived in the house and i could find
only her things less of my father’s things but the clothes it was only my mom’s clothes
because my my mom took care of my father’s things long time ago
but yeah that’s it
so so amel when you uh
first talked about the conversation with your brother uh you said it was like you were channeling your mom uh and i i know
we like to we often put that word like in the middle there because it’s just a little too weird to just say i was channeling my mom to the group but i see
in this dojo know you were channeling your mom um and i think that
that makes me look at it in a way where she is very involved in what’s going on and so maybe one of the reasons that
when you describe the dynamic of the privacy maybe one of the reasons that none of your other siblings including
the sister that you wanted involved and stuff are not involved is because your mom doesn’t want them involved
she wants as few people as possible uh to go through this stuff um and i’m not even suggesting that you shouldn’t keep
apologizing like she may want you to keep apologizing for doing it i don’t know like that’s that’s your gut your
whatever but it sounds like she’s involved um and so
i i don’t know i just wonder if that’s one of the reasons that the other siblings aren’t there thank you no
you know what no um my mom when she had her brain tumor she wanted
to go back she we were here in france in peru and my my father died not in this house but
in the hospital close to the house but my my mom
did not want to be buried in a coffin she wanted to have a traditional in
linen burial and the coffin for her was um
uh like uh maybe she was claustrophobic or something i don’t know she did not
see herself in the box and she after her uh surgery brain surgery she was really
aware she was really normal talking and for a while and then she fell in a coma
but she told me and she told us i mean not only me uh she told us uh i don’t
want to be in a in a coffin get me back to outdoors she wanted to go back to algiers to be uh close to my dad
and she she told me she she told me uh i want to go back because i don’t want to
end up like papa in the coffin and we did everything she was in a coma
we had to um she had to travel and she was in a coma when she we took her to algiers
and uh for one week she survived one week and she passed away after one week she let everybody in the family i mean
in in everybody came from everywhere to say goodbye to her
everybody i mean the house was so full i mean uh we had a big house in argentina
it was so so so full family friends everybody was spending the night at home
uh in her room it’s a big room uh we were all sleeping around her uh we
and for to to it’s like everything was so perfectly done by uh
she was a special woman i think and um whenever of course to to give her her
daily um uh her daily toilet i mean to give her daily bath
um i asked my sister and i said can you help me do that because when i was here
in toulouse before she got into coma i was the one giving her a bath
and i was okay i can say this i mean my mom i’ve never seen my mom
wearing a bra like this and going around with the bra i mean she was very uh how
do you say she she wasn’t running around in her underwear i never seen my mom in her
underwear my own my whole life never never never and and the fact that i was giving her a
bath it was a big step for me but she was with me we were speaking and i was
talking with her and and we were laughing and all these things but once she was in a coma
it was so hard uh harder than when she was
communicating with me and i know how much she was um i don’t know how to say pudic uh not shy
but she was you know yeah pudic i don’t know uh so uh she was in a coma i would um
whisper in her ear i asked my sister to help me she refused so i asked um and my
sister is older than me and she she refused she said i uh no um
this is too much for me and i said no you just put your feelings aside it’s too much for me to help me help me we
have to clean my mom and not not her sisters not a cousin or a aunt
we have we are the daughters and we have to to clean my mind and and she she refused so i had to ask my
aunt and um i have another adopted sister that is way older than me and she’s
almost my mom’s age and i don’t know my mom adopted her and my parents adopted her after the
algerian war yeah so i asked her to come and help me
but the the intimate um cleaning i was the only one and i did
not allow anyone to come and before i i cleaned my mom i would just whisper in
her ear she was in a coma and i would whisper in her ear and kissing her and saying
[Music] i told her voila
i was telling her this to to because i knew how shy she was
yeah i don’t know why i’m saying this now
i don’t know why i’m saying this i lost the
yeah yeah oh
yeah i you just saw like
how would you convey love to somebody and that’s just like such a beautiful
example of that to be like i see your dignity i see your dignity
i’m gentle with your dignity i’m gentle with your dignity i’m so sorry that i’m
that i’m here with you and your dignity alone i respect your
the parthenia of your dignity it’s just such a beautiful beautiful way of showing love it’s just
i was protecting her i think maybe yeah trying to protect her yeah
but it was very hard it was very hard and my sister doesn’t have this it was hard but it was also a present
because i feel like uh i um i know my mom so much
now and even reading her things that she was writing in private i feel like we are so much alike
um yeah i think we have so many things that we kept from each other but
it’s like i’m seeing i’m reading myself some some feelings that she’s saying i mean she was writing
um i miss her so much
yeah i said this a long time ago mel but i feel like part of the dynamic that happens with you and your siblings in
particular is that i think everyone’s expecting you to become the matriarch you’re by far the
highest energy female amongst them you’re telling situations where you are
adamantly refusing to evacuate uh when that role is called upon you know uh to
the point where you know you’re not even allowing people to help that shouldn’t really be involved like cousins and
whatever yeah um and i don’t think that dynamic is going to go away i i think that expectation from them is probably
going to continue uh it’s going to be expressed in weird ways like it’s not going to be you know rational if they allow me to
give them some some slabs first and and okay i can i can
take up take take this room because they need to hear many things i mean because yeah
yeah they need to hear a lot then since she passed away everything the family was just is completely
gone it’s interesting that she i remember you
saying your mom um mentioned something about she would like if you would be the glue of the
family yeah and you talked a lot about that it sounds like you’re working on what that means and
what your boundaries are within being that matriarchal person that might
keep this family together but at the same time i’ve always felt like the outsider of the
family i am the ironic family growing up
i loved my brothers but it was her love i have good memories because i was
considered the tomboy wasn’t i was a little tomboy because i was always you know going on trees and running and i was
like you know yeah and they were younger and i it was fun to have two younger brothers i love that
but um but um [Music] but i was the outsider
i was the outsider um yeah just the fact that i was wearing glasses
this is something i was growing up i mean i had to wear glasses when i was four or five or something like that it was like oh you’re not like us you’re
wearing glasses i mean even this was something you know you wear glasses and yeah so i always
felt like the outsider uh yeah but sorry i’m very different
yeah a pedestal a pedestal is going to feel like that i’m not on a pedestal i’ve never been in
any anyone in a uh like like normal james i was the i was the black sheep of
the family yeah well that would be you would also feel like an outsider there too but what i’m saying is it is that
you’re you’re now being put on the other end is is what i’m trying to say
that from black sheep to to perseus uh you’re not gonna like
either one of them but uh but that’s that’s what i don’t want any of that i don’t want
any of that my my friend in algiers uh called the other day and she said what’s
going on with you and your brother he keeps i i saw him at two parties and he’s like talking about you saying oh
amen she’s in toulouse now she’s doing this this so people say so that people
say oh lucy and she’s the only one taking the the thing of the family and i said don’t tell me anything i don’t want
to hear anything i know how he’s thinking if i don’t do something he’s gonna say
oh see she can go and she didn’t do if i don’t if i do something oh she’s doing it because she wants to have i’m not i
don’t have any contact with anyone in algiers i don’t have any contact with friends no one knows what i’m doing
even when i post something i no one knows really what i’m going through if i post things i mean they cannot guess my
life no one can guess it i mean i show what i want to show and and still she he goes around and say
i don’t want the pedestal and i now that i’m grown up i refuse to be the the black sheep and
everybody lives their life and and just do your things and i do my things and
and life is too short to go through that with them they’re not worth it
i was gonna say uh somewhat related to what debbie said when you spoke however long ago that was
a couple of months or whatever yeah um and your mother wanted you to be the glue
i just the the difference between where you were then and where you’re now
is just astounding and um it’s like you were
rightfully afraid and overwhelmed by the enormity of this task and you didn’t
even know then how big it really was but it’s just um
i don’t know all the belts but i think you’ve used most of them because you have just
taken on every monster every challenge and i’m sure you were scared and afraid
and hurt and sad and all those things along the way but you have just kicked every one of them in the ass
and so you you’ve done it like you have really now it’s like you’re you defined
yourself at first it was mom’s defining me and i have to be the glue and now you’re like that i’m going to be
me and i’m going to do it my way so bravo mercy
i think uh mercy uh james last time when i before i went
you said something that stayed with me too you said uh okay you do it the way um
okay now i can’t remember exactly the sentence but uh it said something like um
you do it you don’t do it um you do it your way you you you stay the
glue but you do it with your your own um with you um
you do it your way or something like that but this sentence i mean the the essence of the the sentence stayed
with me and it’s true i’m with the respect that i have for everything
i am doing it um i’m doing it my way yeah
and if i’m i don’t i’m not even asking myself are they gonna be okay because the house doesn’t belong only to me it
belongs to everybody oh yeah i changed the locks all the locks because the locks
were um broken because they put some uh uh things and metal and they because
they’re really very solid locks they’re um um
yeah so i had to change all the locks and off also because i didn’t want someone that
had another key to come in the house blah blah blah and i decided this i made my mind these
last days i will not give the key to my siblings not my sister not my my
brothers until they if they want to have a key they have to pay uh their share of all
the the expenses i’m i’m i’m doing here i say if you i’m gonna tell them if you
want to have a key this is uh this is your uh this is how much you have to buy this
key it cost me this much to to put this house back in
we can live in it you have water we have electricity uh i insured the house i changed the locks i disinfected the
house and i have to go through i had to go through so much so much emotionally but i’m growing
through that yeah i beat you along um i’m although all the time i i i remind myself this is the
vitriol and i take it bitter and i i jump in it and i and i go okay give it to me i cry
but then i stand up and i say okay now uh you know a year before
if if this had happened a few few months ago i would have given them the keys and
the okay you can pay whatever you want and i i did that already but this time i said okay you want to have the key you
want to go to toulouse and have a good time this house is a beautiful house and it’s so much i mean it’s so nice you
want to have the key this is how much it’s going to cost you this game here
voila this is what i decided and i felt i felt um i felt good
i think i think that’s a healthy stance i think it could be even healthier if you were not even extend that as an
option and just wait for them to ask oh yeah yeah of course because yeah because extending it as an
option might might put you in a realm where where you think that that they’re going to step up to the plate and and they’re not no
they’re not they’re not they’re not just like just like you put a role around yourself as mother and you you keep that
role or his friend or his boss or just like the fashion we were talking about yeah other people
will wrap you in cellophane and call you this the new matriarch or the or the the
landlord or the maid or the the fixer-upper or the wolfman who comes picks up the dead bodies all these roles
are are placed on us too by other people and the importance of tribal one is that
uh you might find that you have relationships with people that do not ever ever want to have a
relationship with amel they want to have a relationship with the cellophane that they put around a
male yeah with you as this role and
a i i want to challenge everyone to consider that maybe that is okay
and b it’s only okay if you understand that that that’s what they want because
now you have no expectations about their role or their improvement or they’re looking deeper into you be that you
could still have a satisfying relationship with someone knowing that they look at you in this role
but that you would you would then mess up if you were to step in too much into that and expect more out of them you
might end up victimizing yourself the changing of the locks is is very symbolic and and uh
i just think it’s it’s fantastic and uh yeah as long as you’re not leaning into them at all
i think you’ll be fine because they’re never gonna i don’t think they’re gonna ever be able to see you as
as the individual it’ll always be wrapped in this cellophane he still uses my brother when he talks
about me he still uses words just like when we were 10 years old or i don’t know i mean he’s
52. yeah so it’s not gonna change no it’s not if anything it’s more petrified you
have better luck i think building a whole new relationship from scratch with someone else to be able to define who you are it
really is it’s just the harder we hold the frequencies the harder we we you know we hold our
frequencies the harder it is to change those and it’s considered betrayal he would feel that as a betrayal if he
noticed you you didn’t want to be in that cellophane too so it’s yeah it’s it’s some sticky work for sure
yeah i i mean and i mean other than the house i mean i’ve met so many
um really electricians and the guy for the
gas electricity and the cleaning crew that came for two days i mean they worked from and all these people are so
nice and it feels so good to be in france i mean mo i don’t know what we’re doing in germany
frankly i don’t know what we’re doing in germany really i mean
especially in the south um we’re southwest of france and people are so much more
relaxed god i mean and then it’s the mentality is nice every day there’s
poetry in the i mean i have a good time speaking with electrician and i have a good time
speaking with the girl from the water and and everybody’s just so much alive i
don’t know i have a connection i mean in munich when the electrician comes he comes and he says hello he goes and he
does his thing and he says good goodbye maybe if he wants to and then he leaves
and with these guys here and he’s here i mean he’s telling me his life and we’re talking and he’s working and and it’s
like having a friend over in the house and it’s fun and i laugh and they’re funny and all these things and
yeah i don’t know what i’m doing in germany but yeah i i hear the thing about that it’s
unlikely they would step up as far as the the buying the key anytime soon kind of thing but i think it’s very likely uh
that assuming the world doesn’t get even more crazy about travel and all that that they would want to come and stay at
the house like while you’re late um so that glue thing that you uh sort of agreed to it
might have ended up being just saving this house and having that space be for people to gather uh somewhere
um so you know um because it’s it’s a whole different deal to have to go and deal with a shitty
destroyed ransacked house uh versus a nice beautiful all made up house like that’s a very different dynamic in the
south of france so yeah i know my nephews my nephews love the house especially the the i have a nephew that
is now 24. and he he he was very close with my mom i mean he was so close to my
mom and all these things and and i know that he would love to come of course i mean my nephews i will never
say no to my nephew they will come and they can come and stay with me and i have a very good relationship with my
nephews i’m the crazy aunt um that taught them how to scuba dive and that
is always going to do things and so yeah i mean my nephews but my brothers and my
sister they will never have a key unless they pay me
hire that pot smoker to come back and he could like run a booty right and then i didn’t know him
students could come but they have to sign up on airbnb and he checks them in and stuff you know
be a whole sitcom you know it’s true i mean i mean truly i felt sorry for him because he was just i mean
he was just a poor guy but he was sitting in my bed and that bothered me
i get it yeah i get it uh debbie go ahead yeah the the key thing is great
that you did that in my opinion and yeah that you can let the nephew stay
there for sure um he doesn’t have to pay for key and um
but it is kind of like um you would be setting up a situation where your brothers and sisters have to be like
prometheus they’d have to ask for the fire you know they have to ask for the cake
yeah yeah and they don’t understand why i’m doing this because i remember when i said like
a few years ago with you guys this brother he thinks that he can on my head and i will remain silent
you’re not sitting on my head anymore he’s you’re here to teach him sanctity
and he’s you know he’s here to teach you boundaries yeah well
thank you so much everybody thank you for listening it feels good
well it’s great to hear sure thank you
all right so we still got amel your hand still up debbie your hands still up i’m assuming those are both residuals
um unless debbie did you have did you have something
i could have something yeah actually to continue uh wednesday night
which was i was speaking about um stalking myself through watching past dojos etc
and one thing that i noticed this is when i’m on esoteric journey um
and other times i’ll be speaking and then all of a sudden i go in another direction
and then i’ll speak there for a while and then i’ll go in another direction so it’s a bunch of tangents
and almost like i’m interrupting myself and then i
i started thinking about that not really thinking about it um obsessively but just kind of put it on my back burner
and then it occurred to me that when i was growing up and even now if i ever do
talk to my father he’s a very impatient man and he constantly interrupts like
he’ll ask a question and then you start first of all you’re anxious so that makes you a little incoherent
um more than usual and so you’re starting i’m starting to talk and then i
he interrupts me and then there’s a stressful thing there so i also noticed when i used to work in
restaurants like when i had um when i’d be a prep cook i would start doing something and then i
would stop and start doing something else and when i am in my house i do the same thing so
it’s the same process but just expressed in different ways and i think it does have to do with
the way um probably my grown-ups were i and they do this in schools too
they’re constantly interrupting the kids kids will be in a flow and all of a sudden bam it’s time for snack
doesn’t matter if the kids are hungry you know it’s like this constant interruption and then the kids have to
like they never can just complete something and i always feel like that so
um when i’m interrupted i get anxious
and angry i think i get anxious because i really want to be i want to
get angry in that moment and i want to be red belt and i want to say something
and if i don’t then i get anxious because it’s like i’m holding it back and that gives me anxiety
so that was something that i’ve been observing uh about myself and i really observed it in that dojo
um where james you were speaking about your triangles and the edible complex and all
that stuff and that really touched me because i’ve been
involved in a lot of triangles it’s not quite the same as you but it really brings uh
home for me i haven’t done it in a while but i used to do it all the time
and um so i was starting to make some comments
and they were to me very like passionate deeply felt comments
and then right as i was just picking up speed james york you jumped right in
there and then i just kind of backed off it actually happened twice in that dojo
and when i went back and watched it i was like sitting there very calmly and i didn’t
say anything about it i just stopped talking but i thought i’d mention it now just james you’re here right
anyway that’s just an observation hi very much yeah so
um that’s vitriol for me when that happens and it did happen and
i interrupt a lot too and i think it’s something i’m trying not to do because unless it’s really
important like 9-1-1 you know um just interesting
i just thought i’d mention it
it’s really funny that you mentioned the interrupting thing uh actually real quick uh
so i’ve noticed on the shows uh when you’re on esoteric or you know one of the other shows like that that if you
and someone else start talking at the same time um you will often for the most part you always say you know you go
ahead uh and that person accepts it uh that’s almost always the dynamic that happens um which has caused me vitriol
because i’m kind of like well hold on i kind of wanted to know what david was about to say um but i know i’m not going to get to uh because that dynamic
happens when both hit it once um and so now when we were in this dojo we were in
this moment of open witness versus hands thing and your hand went up um instead of doing open witness i made
sure to put up my hand because i was like i’m not going to be that person this time uh it’s funny that you bring and right afterwards now you’re bringing
up the stuff about interrupting so i just anyway i was there with you
well she also apologizes too she also tells everyone listening hey
it’s it’s very wrong for anyone to actually spontaneously try and say something at the same time when
someone else is this is horrible that this has happened and i’m not saying debbie’s saying it’s
horrible but but it is a the it’s her first instinct is to apologize
and uh i think this goes back to your dad because uh
we don’t understand that talking is music it’s an improvisational ritual
and it would be like like interrupting the middle of the song to go okay i get it yeah yeah the beat
is the heat is on i get it okay the heat is on that’s what you’re trying to say you’re trying to say the heat is on and oh it’s
it’s on the street and okay and really that’s not the point the point is not to convey the fact that the
heat is on the street and we’re going to find it and all the other stuff the the point is to have a musical
conversation and one of the most terrifyingly
painful things that took me out of music as a career choice believe it or not was the regimented regurgitated playing of a
song because i think it removes the entire improvisational
energy of jazz but not jazz i’m not talking about
really stuck up jazz i’m talking about this the true idea of just like improvisational everything it’s how i try and run my
live streams as to how i try and most of my life is that i am efficient
not because i set out to have a goal and finish it a day i’m efficient because all the staccato jumping around
happens like a dice like i’m dicing onions and it’s like i’m doing that all the time and so at the
end of the day i end up with this pretty freaking sweet meal that i have no idea
what was even part of it and half of it i won’t even use today but i will use it it will still be processed in some way
and if i’m not living in this moment of i have to finish or i have to complete or i have to satisfy
all of that would be considered waste and i would find calorie loss by venting
about how up it was that i wasted so much energy that day when i didn’t actually waste anything at all
i learned about the cranial nerves last night no one asked me to do that i should have been prepping a show
but i didn’t want to do an entire show on the first cranial nerve but i found it fascinating i probably put six seven
hours just in that first cranial nerve i may never use it but i’m not living on
this maslow’s pyramid where i have to satisfy and solve what this is for right now and i think that
smaller appetite puts us into that and we see that in sitcoms and in home improvement shows
a home improvement show says hi welcome to the show this is a show where we’re going to tell you about home improvement
coming up on this show we’re going to be home improving this and so we’re going to be doing this and this and this and
this and okay here we go we’ll be right back and then you come back and it’s like hi welcome back today this is a
home improvement show we’re going to be telling you about this one thing that we’re getting ready to do same in school
it’s time for nap it’s time for belle i think the reason why we have so many appointments and so many harpoons shoved
in the belly of our beautiful day is because some people do not feel saturated in the moment and so they find
it boring and so we’ve created a society where no one gets bored by having to saturate themselves deeply into a moment
so we’re always told hey don’t worry you only have to focus you only have to be in your own body quietly for three
minutes because after that we’ll come in and we’ll disturb you and we’ll start telling you about something that is not
happening now but will be happening in the future and then once the future comes eventually we’ll come back from a
break and you’ll notice we’re not telling you what we’re getting ready to do now the rest of the show is telling you
what we just did and so now we’re going to spend the last 15 minutes of our 30 minute show telling you what
it was that we just got through doing instead so the actual action the center point is always gone
it’s bit into here’s the menu that will be coming up ahead just like you see it on the freeway sign
that’s a hypnotic way of staying disassociated it’s a hypnotic way of giving you
something to do while you’re not here if that makes sense and i think that’s literally
92 percent of the population considers that important polite and
absolutely required because otherwise you’re going to lose me and i’m going to turn into some primitive
i don’t know what they fear but it’s like if if i stay present in my own body right now i’m going to freak out man you
can’t be doing this so please tell me what either what it was we just did or what it is we’re getting ready to do or
make sure i’m on the hook to know that at five o’clock no matter what the happening i get to stop because
it’s time for me to go home and come back again tomorrow this is the hypnotism that we try and
blame the evil them but really this two-party system is really just showing us this kind of appetite the kind of
main consciousness that i think more exists around the world that we just don’t don’t really like to admit it’s
there but it is this is the shaman stuff by the way
i think this is really all it takes to not be a shaman is i mean to be a shaman is someone who
really considers that an attack on their on their their moments their tribal
oneness it’s thank god i’m not alone anymore because when i’m growing up i thought i was the only one this way
linda go ahead hi good morning
um there was a couple things that i wanted to touch on there there’s so much
stuff here but debbie said one thing about when she
holds on to the things that she wants to say she gets anxious
and goes into some kind of emotional experience or however you
might want word that and i’m wondering if that isn’t just
like a part of the problems of the world today in a way that we’ve we’ve become so codependent like you say
polite and this and that and i know when i was in my last marriage
that it was so challenging sometimes to be able to say
what it is that i wanted to say or needed to say then i’d go into fear and i cowered back and i
wouldn’t say anything then i’m all jumbled up inside and then we’re not being authentic and then we’re not
present so and i’m wondering if boredom
isn’t also something about not being present in this moment exactly right now
because the question is what’s wrong with right now unless we think about it
and so i’m just you know touching on a few things that i think
that relationships oh have we all become so co-dependent i
mean when i got out of my last relationship i was in this deepest darkest codependent black hole that i had to you
know work my way up out of and i still find
it challenging even with my sisters sometimes or my daughter that
like a male that i want to say something to them but then i i pull it back because
i know the trash that’s going to come at me because of it or how they’re going to think of me because of it or whatever
and there i am in that codependent kind of place again so anyway i’m just wondering if it’s just not in a in a
larger context about all the world about but we’ve become afraid to actually be
ourselves because the program and the conditioning and the manipulation is is
so strong and you know anyway
i i want to add to that and linda this could could be changing your point and i don’t mean to do that because i i really
appreciate it but i think maybe our fear
of being vulnerable to someone else’s cellophane is more a part of this
when we become nervous around how someone might think or feel what we’re really doing is saying i don’t want this
person to have the ability to wrap a role around me and respond to me in ways
during grief some a sibling in your family during
grief is going to say i need to wrap cellophane around somebody and evacuate
the out of this situation because i cannot handle what’s just happened here
and that you the whoever is the most comfortable in the room has cooties now
you’re it and you are penalized for having the best posture
even if it’s not intentional right that that that that comes built into the
role which means if if you your neocortex is a half a second behind what’s your
body’s really deciding and what it smells in the room i could think of many instances where
your body would go let’s not be the strongest person in the room right now look can we find a way to
not be the strongest person in the room just for two hours because i don’t want to to win the
cellophane who who wears this who wore it best award for the role of scapegoat or
or golden child or quasi both or whatever else so we purposely
shove shove sticks in our spokes to avoid the torture
yes but it feels like to have that and that torture
is only torture it’s only torture if we have this expectation
that they’re going to treat me like amel not like amel wrapped in the role of
sibling savior preserver of the family’s
crest and gathering place of dignity and for a male to want to be seen as a
male in that in that role i’m talking about in that role will only cause a male
toxic pain even though she’s right to want it even though we’re right to say you
should accept me for for my i am and my true inner spirit you are going to have relationships very
meaningful relationships with people where that is not part of the deal or the bargain and you end up feeling hurt
because you expected that it would be the whole time so can you navigate through the world
knowing you know what my confidence is so strong
this person’s going to throw this person’s gonna try and keep my car
because they picked out of everyone they can pick this is this is what they need right now
this is hard work i think it’s part of that shaman role and i’m not saying you have to do it i’m
just saying that when this hurts and you notice this is happening there’s a posture adjustment you can
make to yourself that maybe won’t make it hurt as much because you will not be having these expectations of being seen completely
you’re not going to be seen completely by everybody not everybody has the vision to
be comfortable enough to even see you right that’s true
that’s what i think you’re going to see i was going to just overall that’s the
word conspiracy theory is that very thing it’s that idea that why i don’t want to see you for what you see
i need to see you for the role of someone in society who’s buying into the same i am buying into now therefore
you’re a conspiracy theorist it’s the same kind of kind of action it’s just a little bit less personal
hard for me to say anything right now i think that i
have done that in the past with my my children certainly to protect myself
from the onslaught of how they see me you see so it’s about
also about changing the posture or the perspective
or whatever of how of not being afraid how other people might
see me to not care to be authentic then or how they need to see you
right now if they pay with you and they feel like it is because they think you’re strong
enough and compassionate enough that they could kick off you right now it use
you as a stepping stool this is what teenagers do to their mothers and their fathers
right when when they’re saying well i hate you dad what they really mean is i
totally trust that i can say this to you right now that that’s really what they’re saying and not only that but it’s like and
you’re gonna still support me even though i hate you ha ha how does it feel now you know and and that
if you’re if you’re in your posture as father you’re like i’m totally fine with that
yeah i responded every time when my daughter said you mean i hate you and i say i
love you too darling and she no that’s not what i meant that’s the one that go
crazy yeah it’s uh about what you like yeah and you’re teaching her even though
she may never use it like it’s not going to be in her head like oh now i have this quiver you’re teaching her how to
have that kind of love too for someone else and she’s not even maybe at the point
where she has those roles yet but she’s got it packed it’s in her her her basket
now and that stuff will instant recall because it’s emotional memory right so
the recall will always be there uh
open open witness for that on linda
i think there’s a lot there even with
i think that you will find so i i’ve got a friend that that i have
to be the evil person right now and it’s really just a kick in the gut because i’ve heard some of the
things that this friend said about me and i’m trying to process it and this is this is what i keep telling myself that
it’s like it’s just it’s an honor they’ve given me
thanks it’s an honor and i’m just using it for that posture it’s i i don’t think i’m using it to
normalize it so much as i’m using it to say why was i why do i think that someone would
would have to be able to see me without this role basically
um is that the role like then that mother and the fathers have then because
certainly i have a certain role and as the mother
and one time when i was my daughter and i went to therapy
many many years ago but she said mom she said here’s deal i don’t want to be your friend
i want you to be my mother i don’t want to meet your friends i don’t want to hear your heartaches i don’t want to see
you cry about i just want you to be my mom i want you to cook my meals take care of me when i need it wash my
clothes support me as i need it i want you to be mom and that’s what it
means to her and when i realized that and and i was able to accommodate that
there was actually a liberation for for both of us because yeah the role is not a bad thing i’m
happy to be mom i’m happy to have her be daughter and when it became clarified like that
then you know then i could more come up into my into my self
and just be mom and again that was liberating for me great
and not only that you find that it’s a creative outlet because being mom is like being handed a saxophone and saying
well i thought i was going to play guitar but now i’m going to play saxophone you’re just learning to express yourself in this different
instrument right his mom the instrument is sister the instrument is
scapegoat oh well and when i went there too this is sacred clown
the scapegoats haven’t claimed their power yet but when they do they become sacred clowns don’t
they right and only a few would ever even go that
far most of them will say no it’s just it’s such a victim
victim mosh pit it’s just that’s the change of perspective then that’s the change of your mind the change of your
posture because when i realized this mom role with my
children when when we go on our family vacations um
and you know i was always wanting to be their friend and drink with them and party with them and everything and i’m
going you know what that is not what really what your children want
and when i was just mom and i kind of cleaned up after and cooked a few meals
and just kind of stayed in the background a little bit but put my two cents in where i felt
it was good oh my gosh i had such a better time i really
enjoyed being with my kids and being the mom and not trying to be their friend to be this or be that
anyway i you know it was a nice thing i would imagine it’s
probably even easier to be to be someone’s mom than their
than their friend when you’re married to them i mean when when they’re in when you’re they’re in your family
because if you fundamentally have just a different you know assemblage point where you’re seeing the world
if we do you can decouple and and right and still create that bond as that
cellophane of mom as that cellophane of daughter so it doesn’t happen
now that modesty is kept between you two that modesty that ahmed was talking about includes your own personal
aperture that you have the aperture of the mother which is still able to express who and
what your views are but it’s also from the standpoint of of you know daughter and mother that
it’s just a different matrix of looking at it and finally it doesn’t matter anymore
it doesn’t matter that that my kids see the world that way and i see the world this way
it that doesn’t matter and i learned that so deeply with my mother when she died because again
her least favorite daughter none of my sisters were around like with a male it was supposed to be that way
and the love that developed and the thing that happened in that time was so
sacred so special that it was absolutely
one of the deepest gifts that i’ve ever received and in that way so
love is always the answer carla go ahead
hi good morning um i know there’s only a little bit of time and dojo left so just um i guess
my i’m feeling conflicted right now um based upon a decision that i made about
a month ago to ask my renter friend
person i dated in the past to move off my property and i had i’m the
one that had invited him to move here and some of you i’ve i talked about this a little at some point and then
um a couple of you here know more details about the current situation um
but yeah i guess i’m just feeling conflicted because you know we have spent some time talking
through what the problem was and that that took a little while to get there because i think he was
initially just was feeling betrayed by my choice because he
had told me before he even moved in here how vulnerable he was with with some health issues and just how
he just really needs stability and things like that and i know my tendency is to to care about others sometimes
more than i care about myself and so when i uh was having with stuff that was coming up
was just really causing me pain and i thought that my only answer to protect myself was to ask him to leave and i
mean i did consider another option but i didn’t think he would agree to it and i knew i didn’t have
um the contr i did i didn’t have any um right to control who he has over and you know
things that he does in his life so really it’s just become this my personal problem is tied to his
housing and that doesn’t sit right with him and i can understand why that’s wrong this isn’t a typical
rental situation because it is it’s on my property and you know i don’t know um
it’s not you know it’s yeah um so anyway now we’re at july first and
you know there’s a couple other people that had that i just put it out word of mouth to some people i knew and a couple
people have looked at it and one of them’s really interested and i told her i would let her know by today so that she could
give a month notice where she’s living and um i don’t know so i i’m at the point where
i know okay i could just tell her no to give myself more time to feel
right about what i need to do but i’m also feeling like maybe i should let him
stay because that is it is probably the right thing to do and i’m just wondering
if maybe just the simple act of sharing how i was feeling which
is probably what i should have done in the first place instead of just telling him what needed
to happen um maybe just having that witness is enough and maybe i can get through the
problem if it comes up again but i just really don’t i just don’t know i don’t know
how to predict how i’ll how i’ll react and how to cope with that and so i’m just
kind of just that’s where i’m at and i can answer questions i know i didn’t give a
lot of detail here but yeah don’t you think that the way you
feel right now is already kind of an answer to what needs to happen like in your body right now
i feel conflicted but isn’t conflicted caloric
yes and and the conflicted is not like a one-time thing you felt conflicted for a while right
um i didn’t feel good i don’t think i’d i
wouldn’t say i felt conflicted for a while i just didn’t feel good and and thought that i
needed to i thought that the resolution was to have that situation out of my way
um and then i was trying to justify my decision by finding all the ways that
he’s not been a good friend to me and why should i be supportive of his needs instead of mine and all of these things
and there’s part of me that still feels that way and then there’s part of me that just i guess i care too much um and
and i don’t know if i’m being manipulated to some degree because yeah he’s i don’t know his health issues and
i don’t know i don’t i don’t know i just feel like that’s causing stress to make somebody move and um but yeah at the
same time i don’t want to be stressed and feeling that situation but um i
don’t know i guess that maybe it’s just worth another conversation with him i don’t really know
that’s right i might um chime in here for a minute um
because i’m i’m wondering
where the co-dependency is in here perhaps you know like you mentioned carl
about not putting yourself forward it’s your beautiful piece of property a place that you have worked hard and
cultivated and made into something really beautiful and i’m i’m just wondering
you know here i am in a situation where i’m wanting to share my feelings and i’m feeling a little nervous about it
but are you still like perhaps holding out underneath
everything that that he would come around and you would be boyfriend and girlfriend again is that
what’s keeping you keeping him there kind of thing or no no i’m i’m i’m past that i think i
really am and that’s um what yeah i i am past that
it’s more just just it’s because there wasn’t resolution i think that that i create these stores
a narrative in my head and i still don’t have answers and so when the the
when the cause of the pain for me this other person that comes around i
just i don’t know what’s going on and it’s not my business but i still create stories in my head and that’s
what hurts so it’s i’m doing it to myself really um he’s not deliberately
inflicting some pain on me um these are right our deep clues for you
about the inner work or things i think that that you could perhaps look at too
because um anyway i’m just feeling
your situation and i’ve been there and met george and everything and um
i i just think that i think that you’re offering a conversation with him
a deeper conversation maybe that would help the resolution and if you’re not feeling good about things i mean
it is your land and it is a hard choice and a hard decision anyway whatever
carla i’ve been a landlord uh once for a while uh when i met gwen when we moved
in together my old place became a place that i could rent out uh and at first uh it was really cool to be able to help
out different occupiers uh by giving them access to a place to rent without needing all the checks uh boxes uh that
normal places would require uh but as time went on you know that eventually kind of bit me
in the butt as far as it being like a place to make money right or pay for itself and you know all that kind of stuff there were times where they got
robbed and you know do i start an eviction or do i just eat it well of course i ate it because there’s no way they were gonna make enough money to pay
it back they were you know week to week so i learned about myself that uh i
didn’t want to run a business based off of that that buy um and so i kind of got out of it when i
had the opportunity i just stopped renting uh now when i think about the idea of renting on my own property
like i feel like the boundary issues have to be even more intense like i would require a lot
i would have to make it much more restricted about what could happen there uh and that issue you’re having with
that other person i kind of remember you talking about it uh like that that’s enough like i i don’t
like the fact that it’s on your land like i just i understand struggling with the
the the dynamics of how you’ve reached this point um but i know for me uh
i would have to be more forceful about enforcing that boundary if the property was on my land
i i think i’m agreeing with that and that’s what i’m saying too carla i mean you have a beautiful place there
to be in trauma or drama about it all the time because of george i mean maybe it is good okay to make a change
and you have to be the man if you’re the landlord cellophane wrapped around you as you are that you
become the man that’s what known and moon’s like i don’t want to be the man are you kidding me i
just wanted you to have a place to stay but keep our utilities on why is that so hard he’s like no you’re the man gnome
you’re the man and they treat him that way because that was the agreement
that’s the agreement that that’s what being a landlord’s like and i think there are health issues
and they’re not just his they’re yours and they’re your land
your land has health issues too right
and i think it’s a hard boundary because it’ll be the second time maybe you’ve had to cast it
and i just wonder maybe it is the expense of that just so heavy that you’re having second
thoughts because you’re just worried about that part of it i’m not sure if i’m following the second
time let’s let’s let’s let’s create a story and that story is this i want you to
gauge how you feel right now how your body feels right now with george there
okay captured and now george is gone
he’s not there the place is is empty you just swept it out it’s a beautiful
day you’ve got your toes in the grass how does it how does it feel now
because that’s going to be your depending back and how expensive it is to get him to
to go or for you to build up the courage to tell him is not a factor at all in in this
decision that this decision is more important than how uncomfortable it is to
to react and you have to take that away and say
this isn’t a factor right now the only factor is how do i feel how does the land feel
with him here versus not being here and you’re the steward of the land you are the living soil of that land that’s true
could you mute sue
thanks okay
do you think that the decision is harder because because it’s you’re having to put up a boundary and you’re having to
stand up for yourself maybe and i’m worried that i’m i am wrong like
i mean he’s trying to point out that i am in error and that i might regret that and i
okay so he’s telling the soil hey land you’re wrong
i actually do belong here it actually is good that i’m here you’re wrong soil i’m
right i hear what you’re saying i mean i’ve i’ve continued to say that i still have
that i still have feelings and that’s how i that that and i’m talking about my feelings whether or not they are
i mean they are right because i feel them but my action that i’m taking may
very well be not the best way or correct as far as a tenant landlord
relationship because it involves personal something personal okay but it
was always that kind of relationship so why are we gonna start making it that way now
if if it’s gonna be if we’re going to say hey this is wrong from a tenant uh
landlord relationship then why don’t we stop right now and let’s create a tenant landlord
relationship first and then we can discuss how it’s wrong that we’re talking to each other in this way but
first we need to actually make it that way because we do not have a standard tenant landlord relationship
we have a i have feelings for you you have fillers for me then you sort of didn’t then you sort of do and then i don’t know what’s
right and then i was sort of thinking this might work but then you’re kind of dissociated but also i’m attracted
sometimes to people that are disassociated so none of that is tenant landlord none of that right
do you have a lease no we i typically have with other
renters but uh we felt like we trusted each other enough and that that wasn’t necessary and the only thing that
we did agree to was that if he were to move out he would give me a month note just the basic oregon law
renters give one month notice and landlords give two months notice okay so um are you thinking now
that it’s time for you to give your two months notice because it’s july first
well i did that i mean yeah you did it oh okay okay i i um
i think and i felt strong at that time about my choice and that that was what i
had to do and it’s just as the month has been going by i guess yeah i don’t know i
guess maybe i should just have confidence that he can still be yeah and that he doesn’t have to be here
which was part of my initial concern was that i would be ending a friendship because of this but
um i don’t know if i want to be friends with well he has been one more month and
i think it sounds like you need to um i mean if
if if i’m sitting in your shoes i guess i’d be wondering if um
you’re just questioning your decision and maybe can affirm that you made your decision with these and you’re sticking
to it like like james is saying the way you feel with your decision do you still
can you feel okay what what would happen if you let it drag on for longer and then you reneged
your notice that you already gave him
where’s it gonna get you yeah i i still might be feeling bad but
then there’s a part of me that’s like well because i talked about it at least and now he knows then it would be kind of on his
shoulders to to decide whether he wants to be considerate of my needs or not because
it’s just really one thing that’s been i haven’t been able to handle well but i
also know it’s after time for dojo so i don’t want to keep oh i’m sorry about that yeah if anyone
uh not any we will officially close dojo um uh because i appreciate everyone coming
and some people just really have a heart out and and i’m just really glad you came so this is the
exactly correct awesome time to leave if you have to go it totally is seriously
you fulfilled your witness obligation with flying colors and it was a great dojo i appreciate it i really do
um but also i want to say to carla that you are not going to be able to have a friendship with someone and be their
landlord at the same time and so if you really want to preserve the friendship you got to say hey hey i really want to
preserve the friendship and he and he’ll say oh i do too and they’re like all right george you got to get the out
because the relationship that i want to preserve is our friendship and the friendship can only be preserved in not
non-landlord-tenant relationship or you switch it and you make it all about this other
thing where it’s not a tenant landlord relationship in which case that that you need to go into this idea that
you’re just going to give george a free place to live and he’s your friend and this is how friends treat each other we
give them free places to live if that’s if that’s how you want to define it and then you’ll feel the weight of that and then you’ll start to
i think evaluate and adjust where those calories are and how important carla is in in some of these
situations i’ve been a landlord myself for uh about a decade
and like uh like james was saying it makes me the man
and over that decade i’ve had incidences where they’ve come at me with their
whiny little excuses over why they’re late or whatever and then i gotta be the
man and they’re like oh you’re beating the man and my best response is that’s right and don’t you forget it and then
they’re like oh okay so you know like i don’t necessarily want to have to be like that but i do have to
be like that in order to maintain that um business relationship i have with them
i just can’t be their friends like that and i lost most of my friends because i had to be the man in asheville where
everybody’s a hippie holy it’s like non-stop you throw a shoe out the window and it hits like three
hippies and then one of them steals the shoe but then he turns into a bong so he doesn’t even wear it but but like as i
was like building my business i’m mostly joking i but as i’m building my business people were assembled on my
porch because my house was a coffee shop and i’d be trying to build my business and work and create my
my my business as people are hanging out uh drinking coffee all day long you know
smoking out drinking coffee and it’s you know hey it’s a great little feature to have this office where there’s like this
like hangout coffee shop nearby but man when it’s time to get the bills paid when it’s time to get done you
got to get done and if my rent wasn’t paid on the first my physical health was affected because i felt
guilty why because i didn’t live up to the bargain i promised somebody which was that i would pay my rent on the first
so from the second on people are like james you’re so uptight you’re such a dick or you’re so this or why can’t you
just relax and the whole time i’m like well if you’d pay rent i’d relax right now like i’d relax right now if
you if you do this job too and so i knew i’m going to have to lose these people
these people are not my friends these people are in a karmic relationship with me
trying to do this other thing while they’re here doing this thing and that’s just not going to go and it
scared me because i don’t want to be i don’t want to not have friends and then i end up
completely isolating myself on a mountain up here turned out to be the best move i ever made but i had to know
these guys are not going to like me they already don’t like me because i’m the one that’s like hey can we just pay the
utility bill what why don’t we just pay it like we can pay it maybe that’s how we solve it
so you’re the this is all part of how how heavy these decisions are is based on how much electricity you can bring
to say no i’m not even saying you should say no though because you know i don’t i don’t know george
i just know how you how how your body makes my body feel carla when you’re
talking about george that’s all i know and what i know is i want that guy gone i i just
and that’s not even fair for me to say but it’s just because i just see you struggle with it that’s all
on that note i want to just speak a little bluntly to carla that
that i was getting i was had a i have a grossed out feeling towards george that’s that’s my honest take and i know
so little though it’s just a very uh you know whatever take it what it’s worth but just yeah hearing
you speak about it and just with what little i know that prana economy sounds awful i would
i would want to get out of that as fast as i could but that’s that’s me so
yeah i’ve let him know that that i feel like the friendship’s at a deficit on
his side but um and that yeah he he can be aware of that but
doesn’t necessarily feel like he’s gonna try to make it up that’s just who he is he seems to think that
that’s how he is and his friends can just accept him that way or not what he can or can’t offer
i i like the ammo i like amel’s intruder better than george like that’s how my body feels i’m like i’m like
how’s all mel and that anyway i’m mostly kitty but it’s uh charlotte go ahead thank you please stop me from talking
hey um just to delve right to the point is the
problem that he’s bringing another woman around to visit is that the issue it’s a little more
complicated than that i don’t think it probably is i think that’s i think
he is playing you and i’m sorry he’s playing you and i can say that because and thank you danny for opening this up
because i’ve been through this and i know the language and he’s playing on your open
sweet heart for wanting to be caring and wanting to do the right thing and wanting to be a good friend if
you were a good friend he wouldn’t want to hurt you and he’d be the out of there already it’s it’s not right i’m
sorry i just had to speak bluntly thanks
the plasma torch in here all this witness brandon go ahead
hi so i just he he’s paying rent or he’s not paying rent he’s paying rent yeah and he wants
he likes to make the point that he’s a good renter and he’s you know keeps to himself and pays rent on time
all those things which are true but anyway and then did he get like six months or a
year already of your time or how long has it been we’ve been here since march first so it’s a yeah
it’s kind of march of 2021 no just a few months ago
oh okay so i can see where your moral conundrum is too then kind of
of uh but since you guys had this kind of it’s just like a lucy goosey not a real tenant
thing and then you also have this conversation recently where you know maybe you kind of let the door that he could stay
if you if you’re really adamant that you want him out maybe just give him like the two months starting from today
because you kind of blurred the lines maybe perhaps and then carry on but yeah i don’t know i i think
typically like you’d expect maybe to get six months or a year from a real tenant
thing and that’s that was the mistake in the beginning and you know i think maybe your moral issues are trying to
to to clean that up and make it feel like what you’re doing is like morally and legally
legit well i mean by the same token though the guy is basically evacuating all those
uh responsibilities that he should kind of control for himself about his own situation uh and then handing them to
you and then blame the victim i mean it’s this it is a weird dynamic that the dude has decided to
play um and you know when he says he’s had these problems before it’s a two-way street right like people
create these cycles it’s not just oh it happened to me again i had nothing to do with it it’s like it includes both
yeah i mean i it’s hard to find housing around here and i mean his point is that
he doesn’t know anybody and he doesn’t have good credit and those were his vulnerabilities that he shared before he
moved here and that’s like kind of what kept him from moving for years from his other place
and you know i don’t know i see that that does still seem like he’s not trying very hard and
um how that yeah it’s not my responsibility to fix that but
but yeah i mean i even tried to i sent him a bunch of leads on other housing and you know
that’s how i am i i didn’t need to do that but he’s like if you know you know that’s i just yeah
if you over extended your your generosity and you realize after you’ve over
extended it that it was too much all you’ve done is just made a mistake
yeah and you’re allowed to make a mistake and you’re allowed to say this is the mistake i made i thought i was
going to be able to be more generous than i’m able to be and this isn’t working and i’m really
learning from that mistake and any trouble or strife that’s caused you i need you to know that i’ve been
stalking that too i’m already aware of it it is now built into my field and i’m
using it the next time i make a decision and the next time i i find myself in a
situation like this yeah it’s okay to make a mistake
and the loose beauty thing is only going to hurt you it’s only going to hurt you
landlord friend go ahead no thank you sorry james just real quick i’ve also written a letter of recommendation for a tenant
that i had to help them find a new place uh so that is something you could also do that can tangibly matter to some of
these places um yeah yeah i mean i don’t know where he’s at
with it but i mean he’s got a sister from here i was like why don’t you buy a trailer and go park it at your sister’s
place i mean when he moved here his sister and brother-in-law were already like why are you moving there you could
have moved here so i think you need to stop those thoughts i’m sorry this sounds really rude but
you need to stop those thoughts because this is a grown-ass man and life has a lot a lot of ability
for shelter and that it’s okay he will survive and you focusing and thinking about him is
you not focusing and thinking about how your energy
field either over pushed generosity that you feel you weren’t able to give now or
how in the future your boundaries will be stronger or look how strong you’re gonna have to be right now
and focus on that because those are a lot of calories and all those calories are you and none of them have anything to do with where
he’s going to stay yeah if he was this concerned about oh my god
i can’t i can’t i’ll never be able to find a place that’s what someone would do who would
change their life to make sure they have a lease because they freak out about like that that’s how someone would
behave who truly has that concern that i’m i’m not going to be okay that person is going to move their
entire life and turn into a square because they have credit because they know that they are fearful of their
ability inability to find housing and they want to be able to have a place that has a lease that’s not who george
is he’s it is not so he will be okay
and it’s not your business it’s not your business because your role is landlord slash
friend slash it’s it’s too murky
so that’ll never be that’ll always be very very hard to maintain i’ll put it that way
yeah okay final words
all right then i will say final words um i officially raised hands for wednesday
i want to say something today but i was so stuck in a mel story which is kind of related
of mine and i won’t uh distract the attention of her story and i want to hear hear it
you know it was wonderful by the way one of you but we’re beginning and um
yeah we see of wednesday and i officially raised hands for wednesday all right sounds good mo
all right uh take care everybody have a great weekend really appreciate y’all bye much love
everyone peace thank you
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